| Title | : | The Sacred Search: What If Its Not about Who You Marry, But Why? |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 1434704890 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781434704894 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 256 |
| Publication | : | First published January 1, 2013 |
The Sacred Search: What If Its Not about Who You Marry, But Why? Reviews
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This book started out promising. There were some interesting bits at the beginning about infatuation and intimacy and being cautious about the way you enter into a romantic relationship.
Then it all fell apart. I can't tell you how many times the author said "I'm not an expert, but..." and proceeded to give a very specific and long-winded piece of advice based on nothing but his own feelings. And a lot of the advice is rubbish. I'll just briefly list a few things I didn't like.
1. So many generalizations and stereotypes (some that were very unnecessarily gendered/sexist)
2. Repetitive. This book was 250 pages, and it could have been like 80 pages.
3. Contradictory advice! A lot of it! "There's no one person for you, so just pick someone" followed by "You must make sure to find someone with whom you are very compatible or else you are doomed to a miserable life".
4. Appealing to my future children. I'm not ready to think about having kids! Stop bringing them into this! If the man I marry is suitable for me, he'll be suitable for our kids! My gosh!
5. Treating me like an idiot. So much of this book was describing horrible jerks and then saying "Don't marry someone like this." I'm not stupid. I don't need to be told not to marry someone who is selfish or violent or proud.
This book makes me sad because people will read it and think that it's a godsend. It's not. It's one old white guy's opinion about dating/marriage. It's a lot of ideas and traditions that really messed up my perceptions about dating and marriage as a teenager, but it was published in 2013. WHY DOES ALL CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE SUCK? I should write a book. -
Oh, you guys. If only you knew the number of times I wanted to throw this book across the room. I know this book is beloved by many and my opinion is the minority. But I'd plead with you to read it critically. Even read my review critically, because I started disliking this book about 1/4 of the way in and so the lens I read the rest through was already tainted. But here are my thoughts:
Optimists and romantics beware. This is not the book for you. It will crush you. This is a man with one cold, calculated view of dating/marriage and all other styles are foolish and naive. According to him, don't even think about waiting for God's will or leading in finding a mate. That's foolish, overly mystical/emotional and lazy. You need to go out and make it happen! There is no one right person out there for you. God doesn't care who you pick as long as they are a christian and you can focus on a mission together. It's all on you, Baby! What does the bible have to say about it? Well it doesn't matter because you aren't an important character in the bloodline of Jesus so old testament stories don't usually apply to you. -- Yes, I'm being cheeky and sarcastic. I truly disliked this book. Friends, I found this book deceptive and contradictory. Even the tag line is deceptive. It's only 10% about why to get married and 90% about who to marry...or rather, who not to marry. The tag line should really be "How to be incredibly picky about the person you marry, and still probably end up in a devastating marriage". This book peddles fear and there is very little weight given to the redemptive power of Jesus's forgiveness and grace (if your have a sexual history or struggle[d] with porn, good luck with chapter 15!).
The author encourages you to ask many good questions about the person you hope to marry, but he also makes sweeping claims that he a) is unqualified to make (He is not a trained counselor. He is a pastor and public speaker. Don't forget that.) and b) doesn't support with citations or scriptural evidence. He frequently says "one study shows..." but never cites the study. For all we know, he has made up these "facts" or misinterpreted the findings. At the very least, this is a form of plagiarism.
Don't get me wrong, there was A LOT of good in this book, and it asked a lot of important questions. Questions you really should ask yourself about the person you hope to marry. But you can find all of that good stuff in other christian relationship books too. Books that are a little more centered on the bible, accurate research and vulnerable testimony. This book doesn't have those things. Read Timothy Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage", or even "Loveology" by John Mark Comer, if you like the trendier reads. If you choose to read this one, read it critically, with good biblical knowledge, and with an understanding that this is mostly one man's (often stereotypical) opinions and interpretations. Happy reading friends! -
I have read many relationship books in my short life, but this one was definitely different from any that I have read so far.
In The Sacred Search Mr. Thomas talks extensively about making the wise choice concerning marriage, an how contrary to popular belief it is not the who but the why. Being in love is all well and good but all to often infatuation masquerades around as love, when in fact it is not.
I found this book very interesting and I found myself agreeing with Mr. Thomas on pretty much all but one thing, and I'll get to that soon. But I loved how Mr. Thomas stressed the importance of not following your heart, but using wisdom and your brain when trying to figure out how compatible you and your significant other really are.
There were a couple things the irked me though, and one of them was how Mr. Thomas seemed to prescribe taking things into your own hands if you are tired of being single and I thought it more than a bit strange when he didn't talk about praying a lot over your decision. It seemed like he was saying that if you marry someone, you should be able to make that decision on your own, and while I don't think that one should wait for "a miracle" but I do believe that if you are truly "seeking first the kingdom of God" that much prayer should be put into the choice, and God will guide your choice. So basically I felt like prayer wasn't stressed anywhere nearly enough, and maybe he was figuring it would be a given or something, but I thought that he should have talked more about that and also used more scripture references.
Overall, this was a great book, that I think is very helpful for looking at a relationship realistically and logically, and avoiding being blinded by infatuation. I think this would be a great addition to your relationship building library, and it definitely made me think very seriously about some things, and I would definitely recommend this book to those already in a relationship or who have yet to enter one, infact I have already passed it on to my best friend. I think that this book would be a great tool as a couples reality check, before making the plunge and getting married.
I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Thank you! -
I kind of hated this book.
Gary Thomas thinks that too many people base who they marry on romantic feelings or waiting for God's will, leading to marriages that are doomed to fail. Instead one should marry someone who has the qualities that are most desirable in a spouse. He begins the book by outlining the difference between infatuation and love. I actually really liked this bit. I felt like he went a bit far but it was still a good reminder.
He then addresses singleness. According to Thomas, if you are in your late twenties (or older) and are unmarried it is almost certainly because you are sinfully lazy and selfish. While he admits that theoretically someone could be "called to singleness" he dismisses it as less than a tenth of the population. Singleness is a time of your life in which you should look for a spouse. If you are single and not actively looking for a spouse, you are practicing the sin of sloth. Thomas does not see any value in singleness that is not improved by being married."Listen, if you'd rather spend an evening playing Xbox with your bros and going to bed on your own than driving back to an apartment where your wife is waiting for you, well, that's up to you. But I honestly don't think you're missing out on all that much. It's a matter of personal preference, but if you're committed to living a God-honoring life - no sex before marriage, no drunkenness, not wasting gobs of time on meaningless entertainment (some downtime is of course appropriate), what is marriage holding you back from?" (p.88).
As a single man in his late twenties, this attitude bothers me. One of the reasons I am not married is because I wanted to go to school and pursue my Masters' degree and I wanted to go and do long-term oversees missions wherever and whenever God called me. Yes, I could do these things married, but it is easier not to. There are far more single women on the mission field than there are single men and I don't think attitudes like that of Gary Thomas are helping with this.
The remainder of the book consists of descriptions of what kind of qualities you should be looking for in a future spouse. Similarly to
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Thomas believes that dating should not be about building a relationship or having fun."Going to the movies, biking through the park, eating out - of course that kind of activity is going to produce and maintain a certain level of affection. But it's not real life; it's often not even real relating. It's just playing. It doesn't tell you squat about how a man could face a medical or vocational crisis, what kind of courage a woman has, what values each person lives by, or what spiritual pursuit drives the other person. Instead you find out that you both like vegetables on your pizza and movies that have a plot - that's something, I guess, but it's not much on which to base a lifetime decision" (p.171).
What dating should be, according to Thomas (and Harris), is evaluating whether the other person is worthy to be your spouse and the parent of your children. If your girlfriend has different views of what your married life should look like, you should break up with her. If she has any sort of character flaws, you should break up with her. If her family has a history of mental illness or addictions, you should break up with her. If she doesn't have lots of strong friendships, you should break up with her. If her parents don't seem like they'd be amazing Christian grandparents for your future children, you should break up with her. If she acted significantly differently (in a negative manner) when she was younger, you should break up with her. If she ever struggled with sexual sin, you should break up with her. If she wants to wait to discern whether God really wants you to get married, you should break up with her.
This book is based on fear. Assume that your boyfriend or girlfriend is not honest with you, assume that they're a worse person than they seem, and assume that they will be less loving and more distant after you marry them. Your marriage is going to be really hard so try and find the perfect spouse so you have a chance of getting through it. And even if you marry the perfect person, they might change completely several years down the road and destroy your marriage. Oh and not getting married isn't an option either.
At the end he does acknowledge grace and that God will be there for you no matter who you choose, but by that point it was too little too late. -
I think every single person should read this book.
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I gave this an extra star because it states advice that I fundamentally agree with, which could be of use to some people who may have never considered marriage with any level of sobriety. Ie. Carefully consider who to marry- choose someone of character, depth and spiritual maturity, don’t just be led entirely/solely by your emotions, and deeply consider why you want to marry- seek the Kingdom of God first.
I heard great things about his book “Sacred Marriage”, so I was sorely disappointed in this book. Gary’s tone is continually condescending and ungracious. He assumes and refers to single people as stupid, foolish and brainwashed by societal norms. The first chapter states that he has care and compassion for singles, hoping to give them the best chance at a good marriage. But he doesn’t demonstrate care or compassion throughout the majority of the book.
He seems unconcerned with discipling young people (providing them with good wisdom and advice that roots their identity and life in Christ) and more concerned with airing out his own personal pet-peeves about foolish singles (based off of stereotypical facades that are puffed up with pessimistic statistics).
The bulk of his book is him pointing out how stupid he believes single people to be, and very little is given to any actual advice.
Not only does he call single people stupid, but states that if someone is still single past the age of 25 or so- it is solely because they are lazy hermits who are sinful in their sloth and selfish in their motivations.
Contrary to his statement that we should “seek first the Kingdom” his book communicates that if you are single, your life is empty and meaningless unless you are “seeking first a spouse”.
Some of his arguments are contradictory and he seems incapable of talking about the issues he brings up with nuance and tact. Instead he laces his chapters with sarcasm and gets caught up with his own annoyance, emotions, and personal opinions.
I am 28 and still single. I have gone to a Christian university, traveled and lived in Christian missional communities where I (as he seems to advise) “got myself out there”. I have also tried online dating. He seems to assert that I am still single because I am sinfully lazy. So which is it? Should I carefully consider who to marry, taking my time, trying to make a wise decision based off of someone’s character and potential as a mate - or - am I being foolish for not just choosing someone already?
I agree with his assertion that there isn’t one specific “soul-mate” out there for you to find or for God to drop in your lap. But I disagree with his assertion that God plays no role in leading or guiding you to meet certain people. He equates it to finding a job or choosing a university- you having your own autonomy and volition, so go out and find someone, oh, and I guess you can pray about it too. But I believe that God is active and present in our lives, guiding us in many ways and he opens and closes doors- I don’t just see this in my romantic life, but in my career path as well. There are countless stories of God leading and providing opportunities for people- the Christian life isn’t lived by taking it by the horns and carving your own destiny. You can get out there and apply for a bunch of jobs and still get those doors closed (personal experience). You can get out there and go on dates and still fail to find someone to marry. The Bible is filled with the theme of waiting on the Lord and relying on him for wisdom and guidance- trusting in his timing and ultimate sovereignty. I think Gary misunderstands the fact that “waiting” is not synonymous with “passivity”, but it is living in peaceful trust seeking God’s will daily, obeying where he leads you.
Anyway- I’m off my soap box. If you want to read a book that outlines a biblical view on both marriage and singleness- uplifting the value of both- one that gives a challenging/thought provoking look at cultural motivations for marriage with nuance and intelligence, while encouraging and uplifting you as the reader - I recommend Timothy Keller’s “Meaning of Marriage”. It provides a much better answer to this book’s initial premise: Consider the “Why” of marriage before the “who”. -
I work in a research lab that studies cognition and autism, in the hopes of developing better behavioral interventions. So when Thomas, probably just out of ignorance or misinformation, implied vaccines cause autism, I was so shocked I immediately dropped my kindle. Even though this is a book about marriage, it feels unethical and revolting for me to even continue to read this. DNF @ 47%
I enjoyed a little of the bits I read but I just can't, in good professional conscience, continue.
Update after I recovered from my shock: ALSO though this book is like HELLA gender role conforming which is like really a turn off. and while Thomas has good advice, he just falls into stereotypes too much for me to jive with it. -
Honestly, wow. I didn’t know what to expect but this was so well-written with practical advice and questions. The theme of basing a relationship off of Matthew 6:33 (“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”) was repeated throughout each chapter. The stories that Gary Thomas shared were relatable and insightful. I was gut-punched a time or two and I think my favorite aspect of this book was Thomas constantly pointing back to Jesus. Asking for His guidance, following His examples, loving like He would love, etc... 10/10 would recommend this book to fellow singles/engaged friends ❤️ Can’t wait to read it again.
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I genuinely hated this book.
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I received this book free from the publisher, David C Cook, through Netgalley.
The first several chapters of this book are excellent and thought provoking. My first thought was that my sons need to read this book when they come of dating age. There is so much wisdom packed into these first few pages it makes the rest of the book that much more disappointing.
The author begins to fall into gender stereotypes pretty quickly. These are popular in many Christian circles but can be pretty damaging. In the section, a gorgeous mistake, the author seems to imply women are out there to lure good Christian men into sin. In the section on marriage styles he implies any style that women may be more prone to is negative, while explicitly stating he isn't trying to judge.
Furthermore, the condescension in the book becomes distracting the further into it I read. I don't understand why Christian authors so often feel the need to place themselves on a pedastal. As stated at the beginning of my review, there is lots of good stuff in this book and I agree with his premise. A serious rewrite with an eye to a more journalistic writing style would make this book a must read for anyone considering marriage. -
I'm 26 yrs old, and I wish someone had handed this book to me a decade ago. However, maybe some of the lessons wouldn't have had the impact on me then as they do now ("the teacher appears when the student is ready"). This book has challenged me to seriously consider what I should search for, but it has also forced me to gaze into the mirror and examine my heart (and I've found some not-so-pretty things there that need the Lord's refining fire). There are many excellent quotes I hope to carry in my mind. This is God-honoring wisdom, and I'm so grateful this book came into my life in this moment in time. This book will make you excited to grow closer to the heart of Jesus. If you want your worldview about searching for a mate, dating, and marriage to be completely changed, look no further. 10/10 would recommend to all singles.
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I enjoyed this book so much! It is targeted at singles, in or before entering a relationship. I would say it's a must read.
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If you can get past the title, this book offers a more sobering and practical look at dating than most relationship books do. The basic premise is that we should seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, especially in our relationships. Thomas believes that far too many couples end up married because they are infatuated with each other rather than sharing a common vision and mission. He shares why it can be so difficult to truly get to know someone when you're in the clutches of infatuation and offers practical ways to guard against a marriage built on it.
A few impactful quotes.
"A good relationship is not something you find, it's something you make."
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it."
"To analyze one's feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship; to count its cost is the best way. " -
I have to admit: the title got my dander up a bit. It also got me to thinking. By the time I had finished the first chapter, I had to admit that I pretty much agreed with the author.
I've been through a number of divorces, though none were in my own marriage. I've seen "bad marriages" up close and personal.
Thomas brings up a number of good points:
What if we spent time actually considering what life would be like married to Person X?
In some cases, people go against all proof and reason and marry based on their feelings. Those feelings of infatuation die and there goes the marriage. (I'm vastly simplifying.)
Marriage is a life-long commitment. Or, if you don't buy that, think this: who gets married saying, "Gee, I can't wait for this to end"? No one I know. Probably no one you know.
So shouldn't this sort of commitment get at least as much effort as selecting our college major, buying our first car, financing our first hours, or any of the other major decisions we make? Shouldn't we commit ourselves to doing the best job we can?
What if our feelings aren't completely reliable?
You know, I sure liked that dog at the humane society when we got her, but after a few months, she proved to be less than desirable. She wasn't a fit. Thank goodness she was a dog.
I've learned, time and again, that feelings are not reality. They just aren't.
Though I learned this, I didn't really believe it until I was well into my own married life.
What if God was a foundational part of the decision process?
This is a bit trickier, because though I agree with Thomas on the broad sweeps throughout this book, we do have differences doctrinally. Reading this book made me actually sad for those who can't go to Confession and experience the graces of that sacrament. It made me sort of sorry for my non-Catholic friends and family who are stuck wondering what forgiveness looks like, how it feels, what it means.
What if there's not just ONE PERSON for you?
I remember, in college, our Hall Director saying, during our RA training, that she felt like it had to be your "time" to be married, that it wasn't as important if it was the right person as it was that you were ready for it. When she said it, I felt a little tug, and maybe my understanding of the world grew a bit.
I can look back and think of someone in my past who might have been a doggone good husband. He's not who I'm married to now, and I'm glad of it. I'm sure my husband, if pressed (no, I'm not going to), could say the same.
This whole notion of "The One Person" is not biblically based, and chances are, it's not true for any of us. Thomas presents it well.
What if life is just messy?
This isn't one of Thomas's points, but I couldn't help but think it after I finished the book. I don't know that I would just hand this book to a single in my life and let them read it. I would have rolled my eyes back into my head in my single days, though part of that might have been the hard-hitting Bible references. I think this is the kind of book you give to someone you know, and maybe even someone you can read it with. That, or someone who is very mature in their faith and their approach to life. I'm pretty sure the young singles in my life would maybe not so much appreciate this book. (This might just be me.)
All in all, a good resource.
I enjoyed reading this book. It was well-done, and though not Catholic, my doctrinal dander stayed calm and my theological nose didn't get worked up sniffing out "problems." (There are a few hesitations I had, but you know what? It's a good book.)
I liked it. It made me look at my own marriage, and it also made me want to read another marriage book (you know, one for not-quite-old fogies). -
I loved Sacred Marriage a few years ago, and I was extremely disappointed in this book. I mostly finished it to fully write the ways I was not a fan of this book and compare it to my own view of pursuing marriage and pursuing holiness.
Why the low review. Here are my points:
1. Format
2. Large theological difference
3. Insenitively making generalizations about several groups. Small points, yes, but still not tasteful or ok.
So format. I think Thomas holds and speaks truths in this book but doesn't spend time on truth and instead hyper focuses on all the logistics of what not to look for and how not to analyze who to marry. He focuses on the who and a checklist of don'ts. It's not the intent he states but it takes up most of the book. He also doesn't succeed in writing about why we marry and instead spends most of the book on "why not these people." He goes far too practical and in my opinion undervalues the Holy Spirit's wisdom and guidance by giving his own manual on who to marry or not marry based on qualities or things to consider. It's not that he is totally off base on the lists and elements he covers it just is too narrow and off from the scope his subtitle suggests. Also, it isn't needed.
I didn't read this book to be reminded on things to avoid in great detail. I wanted a vision of what marriage is and how to prepare for it, how to seek it, and how to follow God in that process. So yes I'm salty I got a "the why is more important but let me discuss the who not the marry for most of this book."
THIS ONE IS BIG. Theological disagreement. In his Soul Mate or Sole Mate chapter he covers what I'm about to disagree with. He goes over debunking the idea of a soul mate or other half. Ok valid. But then goes on to say that God didn't necessarily set aside a mate for you, that instead, it's more important we marry for Godly or Biblical reasons than just one person God has intended. See this chapter for a better description of his theological discussion about the choice of marriage partner not being as important as we sometimes make it to be as long as they love God and the way the choice was made holds biblical wisdom.
Here is my beef with this. God isn't removed from the details of our life, and not removed from marriage selection. I'm not waiting or ignoring potential mates like Thomas cautions those waiting for God's match. But I am seeking what God wants in each consideration. Instead of using a Bible-inspired checklist (basically this book) to choose a mate and then get a stamp from God at the end. I also think spouses should stay together even if they didn't seek God in the choice, marriage should be honored and God can redeem and use it. But I do not agree with the more passive and uninvolved take on God in romance.
Lastly, point three. Thomas makes a small handful of generalizations or comments that are ignorant about mental illness, weight, and family trauma. I won't go into it but Thomas admits in several other areas that he is speculating or generalizing outside of his area of expertise at times. And sometimes saying less is more and in these areas, he should have said less. -
I really struggled with this book, I wanted to like it so badly. On almost every page I felt there was something sexist, I pushed through because I wanted to understand his thought process but I for sure do not support his views.
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I saw this recommended by someone on Instagram and the title intrigued me. The first chapter drew me in even more.
Coming from an ultra conservative, courtship-based background, I found this to be a very useful read. He very clearly outlines Biblical principles and keeps the focus on Christ all while using practical application.
I recommend it for both singles (younger singles with some guidance, as there are chapters on physical intimacy and dealing with past sins) and those in a dating/courting relationship.
It isn’t perfect, but it brings up a lot of great points for both singles and unmarried couples to discuss and consider. I personally think it would be useful to read more than once when considering a marriage relationship. -
Wow, there was so much wisdom in this book! Where do I even begin?
What I Liked: In a world that keeps pushing the idea of following your heart and being led by your emotions, this book was so refreshing because it promoted the Biblical belief that you need to be guided by God's Word and the Holy Spirit in decisions such as who you marry. It supports the Scripture in Jeremiah where it says that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?
The author was very bluntly honest throughout this whole book, yet through its pages I felt
Gary L. Thomas's compassion and desire to help singles and those in relationships navigate through the lies that our culture promotes and come to a healthy, Biblical view of focusing on WHY you want to be married and THEN figuring out the 'who'.
So often throughout this book I found myself nodding and agreeing with what this author was saying. Very honestly, I'm tired and weary and so very saddened by the lack of strong Godly marriages today and I don't want my own marriage someday to be anything less than what God wants it to be--two people seeking the kingdom of God FIRST. This book was a great encouragement to me.
What I Didn't Like: While there wasn't anything that I didn't like, (even though I wouldn't agree with everything in this book) I do recommend this book to older, mature readers only. There is quite a lot of talk about more intimate subjects and I know I even skipped over a section of the book that got to be a little too much for me in this stage of life. But that isn't really something I didn't like, because I believe that the issues need to be addressed, I just wanted to give a warning about what to expect.
I give this book 5 stars for an excellent book about choosing wisely in marriage. This book will definitely be amongst my favorites of 2017. -
The Sacred Search had two main themes for me, which I found quite helpful. The first was the subtitle, “What if it’s not about who you marry, but why?” A big focus on Matthew 6:33 “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” Finding a partner who seeks first Jesus, and then navigating how a marriage based on this primary mission can lead to fulfillment and flourishing in marriage.
The second was about “becoming the person, the person you want to be with, wants to be with.” Developing these character and mission values deeply routed unto who we are and how our hearts function, allows us to bring such a gift to a future spouse that glorifies the one who made us, in His image. -
4.5/5
Apart from one chapter that felt like strange conjecture and not really rooted in scripture, this book provided fantastic advice on navigating the dating world through the lens of a biblical worldview. -
This book was massively sobering in that the severity and seriousness of what marriage really is hit home with me.
I think it puts forth a solid case for all the attributes your potential partner should have. I think it lacks a certain element of grace but I also understand that that is most likely the point.
I would say the main takeaways I have from the book are these:
#1. Maintain a strong and open relationship with God while in a relationship with someone and be obedient to God if you feel convicted or are instructed in some way
#2. Don't think the person will change after you're married
#3. Being very open, honest, and transparent can't be stressed enough. It's imperative for a strong intimate relationship. If your honesty breaks you apart, good, because without it you'll never be truly close. -
I enjoyed the read. It has good questions to ask yourself or your significant other. As well as practical things to consider if one is aiming to 'seek first the kingdom.' Maybe he offers so many considerations that it feels even more impossible 😂. To me, the Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller remains the best book for a healthy mindset for marriage.
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Man, I really appreciated this book. I've read plenty of books on singleness and a few on marriage, and this was frankly a lot better than a lot of those, lol. Really gave me a lot of food for thought as a single person, and questions to ask both now and in the future.
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A must-read for singles & those dating. 🤍 I’ve learned so much about myself from listening and thinking through this book. Gary Thomas is quite wise.
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The second time through and my reflections from my first reading remain. One of the best books a Christian can read on the subject of dating and the search for a spouse.
There are some really good books out there regarding the subject of dating and marriage from a Christian perspective. I would place this one towards the top of the bunch. In The Sacred Search, author and pastor, Gary Thomas gives seasoned advice from someone who has witnessed the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly unbelievable when it comes to marriages and relationships.
I found his advice to be both authoritative yet compassionate, balanced yet precise, realistic, yet optimistic. This book is dripping with wisdom and those who heed it may save themselves from a lifetime of heartache and incredible stress but they may also position themselves to experience a rich, satisfying marriage relationship that has a profound affect on the kingdom of God. How refreshing it would be to partner with someone who not only encourages us in our pursuit of Christ-likeness but also has the emotional security, stability, and maturity to relate in Godly ways.
Just a few observations from the book I enjoyed -
"There isn't a person alive who can keep you enthralled for the next five or six decades." (Pg. 18)
"When we live for ourselves, we become boring. Most of us are simply not interesting enough on our own to captivate someone else for five or six decades." (Pg.174)
"Ask yourself: 'Ten years from now, what kind of tears do I want to be crying? Tears of joy, or tears of pain? Do I want to be in a marriage that lifts me up, or one that drags me down? A union marked by shared partnership, or one where we're hiding form and hurting each other on a regular basis?'" (Pg 19)
"Our search for a life mate, then isn't one of desperation, but rather one of patiently looking for someone with whom we can share God's love and live out God's purpose.
"Plato's 'soul mate' philosophy circumvents the concept of applying wisdom and replaces it with trying to mystically discern whether or not you are 'meant to be' with someone." (Pg. 58)
"The way someone chooses to get married is a good indicator of the work they'll put in after the wedding takes place in order to make the marriage grow. If someone cuts corners in the decision process - willing to risk their own and your happiness on something as precarious as an infatuation - how do you know they won't want to cut corners when it comes to the nitty-gritty work of building marital intimacy stitch by stitch?" (Pg. 59)
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it, so marry someone who has a solid core." (Pg. 209)
"Guys, if you marry a woman who is motivated by reverence for God over affection for you, she'll learn to be kind to you and affectionate toward you even when she doesn't feel like it and when you're acting like a jerk. The same thing that feeds her chastity - love and respect for God - will feed sexual enthusiasm within marriage. The same thing that feeds promiscuity before marriage - selfishness and fear - will kill sexual desire after marriage." (Pg. 211)
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with." (Pg. 220) -
Gives clarity to reflect on the self with solid thoughts to choose with wisdom and not by feelings.
Explains the common mistakes of men and women during the process with insights to prevent or work on them with christian values. Author also gives glimpses of various things that a marriage involves. Atlast a good marriage is not one finds but makes !
This book did challenge some of my own beliefs and bring about changes in them. I would suggest this as a starter for anyone looking out for guidance during the search.
Some ideas were over explained, it could have been concise to the point. -
I abandoned this book around halfway through. The general ideas and principles the author discusses are on track but far too harsh. I think he ignores how sacrificial marriage is intended to be. Part of the reason marriage is honoring to God is because we’re loving someone who doesn’t deserve it. It feels to me like if you have to have such a rigorous process of building a great marriage with a man you have to determine is essentially perfect beforehand that you’re simply being self-serving. Obviously we need to be careful with who we marry and it is in nature self-serving, but Thomas creates a picture of a search that is self-serving to the extreme.
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This book was painful to get through. I only finished it because I listened to the audiobook while I was stuck in traffic. Gary Thomas’s writing is arrogant and self-congratulatory at its best and deeply sexist at its worst. I, like some other reviewers here, felt that the advice was contradictory, and the number of times he used purely anecdotal stories to “prove” his point was exhausting and infuriating. I almost decided to save my time and not finish it, but as I am a compulsive completionist, I unfortunately felt the need to see the book to its end. Save yourself the trouble.
