Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci K. Haines

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma Reviews

• 
  Jenna

  I'd recommend this book to anybody, not just the survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Repeated images of gruesome rapes and murders locked within our culture's collective memory does damage.
• 
  HeavyReader

  Here is the review that I wrote for the Feminist Review blog.
  
  I’ve wanted to read this book since it was first published in 1999 as The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse, so I was pleased to review this updated second edition.
  
  I had forgotten that the focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and the new subtitle obscures that detail. However, I think this book could be helpful for any woman recovering from any sexual abuse, no matter what her age when the assault happened.
  
  The healing offered in this guide is based on somatics, a “new paradigm” which views “the mind, body, and spirit as one integrated whole” or “one interconnected biological system” while treating “the body as an essential place of change, learning, and transformation.” Somatic practices aim to help survivors learn “new ways to address their need for safety and connection” while supporting the mind/body in learning “new ways of being and acting.”
  
  Information presented is comprehensive, with chapters devoted to desire and pleasure, dissociation, sexual response and anatomy, masturbation and self-healing, consent and boundaries, penetration, oral sex, embracing triggers, sex toys, intimacy, S/M, spiritual sexuality, and the emotions of healing. There is even a chapter for partners of survivors of sexual abuse. The bibliography and resource list includes details for learning more about childhood sexual abuse, various aspects of trauma, somatic healing, and sex education, as well as advice on acquiring sex positive materials,
  
  Emphasizing many points made by the author are quotes from real women recovering from child sexual abuse. These quotes give true-to-life examples of the ideas the author is asserting and allow the book to include many voices. I appreciated being able to witness the experiences of a variety of women.
  
  At the end of each chapter are two to six “sex guide exercises” which reinforce the ideas and techniques for healing presented in the preceding pages. The reader is encouraged to reflect on or write down answers to these questions, or to have conversations about them with a support person. These assignments give the reader concrete ways to work towards healing.
  
  I recommend this book to every woman
  on the road to recovery from sexual abuse, especially if that abuse happened to her when she was a girl. I also recommend it to partners and counselors/therapists of women recovering from sexual trauma, as well as anyone interested in healthy, empowered sexuality.
  
  
  
  
  
• 
  Alex

  this is a great, VERY accessible guide for survivor's of sexual abuse, especially child abuse. i found it both insightful and incredibly down-to-earth. Staci Haines helps survivors take control of their sexual lives again, and move forwards on the path of healing. the book is written mainly for women, but even as an ally i gained a lot from it.
• 
  Laura

  Trigger warning: This book deals with childhood sexual abuse, incest, and contains a number of traumatic accounts.
  
  The multiple accounts of childhood sexual abuse could have been limited to the introduction, since they substantially took away from the otherwise excellent advice on somatic sexual healing. This book is also very outdated in its terminology. One entertaining but outdated bit of advice included ripping out the pages of old phone books to express anger. This advice speaks to the era it was written.
• 
  Tinea

  This book takes a physical, body-based approach to healing trauma from sexual abuse or assault. It's about identifying emotions and feelings in your body and discovering how they were caused by or relate to your abuse. The idea is that when you can connect your present physical andT emotional feelings to memories of past trauma, you can begin to understand the present day feelings and work through them, heal them. The book has excellent sections on dissociation, handling triggers, and figuring out what kind of support you need. It walks you through common emotions and physical responses experienced by survivors; at times I felt like Haines took a really babying, hand-holding approach, but honestly I think it's an effective way to write a book like this-- very validating, very basic, making no assumptions about the reader's knowledge or experience.
  
  Healing Sex, as the title suggests, focuses on sex. Half the book is basically just a how-to manual for sex: cunnilingus, fellatio, intercourse, safe sex, etc. The author explains that what with growing up in a sex-negative culture and growing up abused on top of that, a lot of one's issues with sex stem from ignorance and shame. Education can help that. All the educational chapters focus on how to have sex as a survivor, getting very specific about how to overcome fear, shaking, dissociation, and lack of intamacy, all common issues many survivors deal with.
  
  My main problem with the book was that some of the touchy-feely emotional language was completely beyond my scope of understanding. I was just all "Wha--? Huh?" a lot of the time. Also, Haines provides a lot of exercises at the end of each chapter, and it's obvious the book should be read slowly and digested. I blazed through it, but I hope to come back to it again.
• 
  Nahid Soltanzadeh

  Reading this book was a 7month long journey. And I know I'll be working with what I learned from this book for much longer than that.
  I'm forever grateful for the moment when I saw it on my friend's bookshelf, took a deep breath, and asked "can I borrow this?"
  My healing started there.
  
  If you've experienced any kind of sexual trauma, not just childhood abuse, this book has so much wisdom and practices and paths to healing for you.
  
  P.s: the book assumes you're a woman. And that man and woman are the only genders out there. That he/she part was annoying but again, it's a relatively old book so...
• 
  Hannah

  this is a good one: gentle, embodied, and in line with a lot of my existing approaches to healing trauma and being in relationships around and with trauma. i wish there was more out there for when you have no actual memories of abuse or specific triggers. i read this one really slow & tried not to take it too linearly or like i had to do every exercise for it to "count". there is always a way we integrate anything we take in! also, note that this book always refers to survivors as "she".
• 
  Nicole

  This book has a lot of sound advice about healing from sexual trauma.
  
  My main takeaways are:
  trust your instincts,
  take time to discover who you are,
  be aware of your physical body and how trauma is stored within it,
  don't be afraid to ask for what you need,
  most of all, you're worth it
  
  There are many quotes from different clients the author has worked with over the years spread through out the book. At first it was nice to read. After a while they were interfering with the content for me. Overall, this is very good book for healing trauma. It provides a solid foundation on how to begin with probing questions to consider. There aren't right to wrong answers to the questions. This is your journey into healing. The author makes a strong effort to help you own it.
  
  Before reading the book be aware that the book is written for any sexual orientation/preference. It was helpful for me to skip around in the book rather than reading in a chronological order. Some chapters are more intense with information than others. As with any part of a healing journey, remember you are in control of your pace and direction.
• 
  Cherokee

  I found this book to be excellent. This book is ideal for someone much further along in therapy.
  
  Most of the books out there for childhood sexual abuse survivors cover emotional issues that many experience and need to deal with first. The topic of sex is a difficult one and something that those books barely devote 1 page to, if that. Unfortunately many survivors associate sex with something negative and painful as a result of the abuse they survived. This book provides hope that sex can be positive (alone or with a partner) if it's something you want for yourself.
  
  To have an entire sex positive book specifically for those struggling with sexual issues as a result of childhood sexual abuse is very important. I personally liked all the lines in quotes on different thoughts and struggles that individuals have gone through.
• 
  Alex

  I picked up this book after it was recommended to me because I am a massage therapist who works with trauma survivors. The book is obviously written for the survivors themselves, and as such there were "self-help" techniques that I don't anticipate using in my practice, but which seem like they would be helpful. That being said, it's still a resource I turn to years later, and I think it's very well written.
• 
  Callie

  A very helpful and insightful book. Could be better-written, but that's easy to forgive with a book like this. Helped me resolve a lot of confusion, and normalized what was happening with me which also helped me gain confidence. Very grateful I found this book.
• 
  Lauren

  Great sex-positive book for survivors of sexual abuse or assault. A reminder that you're not "broken" and that you can experience your sexuality as a positive, healthy, enjoyable part of who you are!
• 
  Paula

  DNF
• 
  Angelina

  “Lasting intimacy is build over time it involves both conflict and ease as you come to know and be known in all of your most vulnerable and imperfect aspects. Intimacy is ongoing process of risking and revealing as you share yourself with one another. The experience could be creative.”
  
  What I love about this book is that it’s not only for people who experienced sexual trauma. I believe this book beneficial to everyone who would like to connect with their own sexuality and learn how to communicate it to their partner. Yes the title and the authors addresses the information to sexual victims, but it’s done in very compassionate way where people who haven’t experienced the same still can learn how to deal with people they love who experienced sexual abuse and in the process explore their own sexuality.
  
  Some interesting concepts: mind-body approach for healing trauma; learning to be present in your body by managing de association. Yoni massage, knowing the differences between different sexual expressions (SNM, vanilla sex); understand difference between intimacy and sensitivity; understand that abuse is not your fault, learn to forgive yourself.
  
  
  Intimacy with yourself means accompanying yourself through all of your feelings, sensations,thoughts, wackiness and imperfections. It’s getting closer to yourself. More you present with yourself, easier it will be to be present with another.
  Sensitive vs intimate. Being sensitive doesn’t necessary makes you good at intimacy. Intimacy means to be fully present of yourself and another at the same time. It does not mean abandoning yourself to gain others approval or giving up something you care about as you support your partner and his interest. Intimacy means to be able to experience conflict and use conflict to deepen your intimacy. It means risking trust with another at deeper and deeper levels of the time. There is never a guarantee of the comfort. It’s about the commitment to learn and grow. It requires embodiment, consent, openness to emotions, healing through triggers, trust and set forgiveness.
  
  Self forgiveness- I am so sorry it happened to you. Ex with a Therapist or a friend go through your history where you believe that you are not forgivable. Do you hold yourself responsible?
  
  Sexual healing permission slip with a sexual life you want (sexual expressions, acts and feelings) I (invert name) give myself complete permission to be fully expressed sexually in my own terms. This includes expressing myself sexually whatever ways whenever wherever and with whomever I choose from this day forward. Specifically I give myself full permission to have the boundaries I want and need sexually. To acknowledge all of my feelings while I be been sexual and to take care of it the best way that serves me in a given situation. To laugh during sex, to masturbate, to be sexually embracive or shy. To be in my body, to say yes, maybe or no to sex. To do one thing that I never told anyone and want to do it sexually like... I grant full permission to fee sexually on my own terms. You have my blessing, enjoy, love (invert name)
• 
  Martha

  This was a fascinating book that was well laid out with detailed chapters that someone might need as they are processing through healing from sexual trauma. I liked how they had real life people's experiences, their struggles as well as their triumphs throughout the book. There was no topic left untouched in this often ignored topic, especially coming from a puritanical background where it was taboo to discuss much of the issues surrounding it. I would recommend it, if you have experienced sexual trauma in your past.
• 
  Essyyy

  An enlightening read. I was unaware of how the trauma of sexual abuse radically impacted people’s lives. Beyond the sexual intercourse, it affects their self esteem and ability to have normal and functioning relationships and lives. The book deals with issues of dealing with emotions, triggers and actually healing.
  
  The aspect of finding “your” body was the most fascinating for me. The activities at the end of each chapter were interesting too.
• 
  Vyn

  I felt especially connected to the last few chapters. Tons of healing and centering available in this one.
• 
  Chana Lang

  Prompt #4 in this challenge
• 
  emily

  I'm not a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but I am a survivor of an adult abusive relationship, and currently in my first relationship since the abusive relationship ended several years ago. My partner read this first and recommended it, and I'm glad she did. Overall it was hit-and-miss helpful for me, some topics more applicable than others. I really appreciated the chapter on working through triggers; for that alone I felt the book was worth it. As an aside, I listened to this on audiobook, and the narrator sounded like a new-agey kindergarten teacher-- fine, but not for everyone.
• 
  Amy Smith

  I highly recommend this book for anyone who has experienced sexual trauma or wants to better understand the challenges that their friends, family members, and significant others may have experienced as a result of abuse. An eye-opening guide on a difficult and complex topic.
• 
  M.

  Really powerful for me. Cried a lot while reading. Read passages aloud to my lover. All helpful. Recommended.
• 
  Mills College Library

  616.8583 H1534 2007