Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary L. Thomas

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Reviews

• 
  Victoria

  This book began with several problems for me, and the best chapters come toward the end. First, I wasn't fond of the portrayal of women in the book as always housewives or working women who were toppled by their ambition, who then become housewives. I couldn't decide if this was because Thomas's own wife was a housewife and so that was the male-female relationship he could best speak about (which seems reasonable), or if he very firmly holds to a complementarian view of men and women (which often is a tricky business to me). Relatedly, the book is written from a masculine standpoint, and often seems to be written to men. That is not to say women can't gain insights from the book, merely that the male voice within the book is unmistakable.
  
  Otherwise, the book struck me as peculiar in its relationship to advice. There are many great single lines and lessons that can engage the reader on a practical level. I was impressed with a lot of the passages about how sometimes God calls us to humble ourselves and choose to be the better person even if we're not getting back at the time in a marriage, not only for the sake of a better marriage or to get along with a partner, but simply because God often commands us to love unconditionally without getting it in return. This was an obvious lesson, but very profound to me (perhaps because I'm always terrified of giving more than I get). At the same time, because the book refuses to be another "10 Steps to a Happy Marriage" book, it offers little advice, especially not until the end, for how to handle conflict. The book readily admits couples will not always get along and sometimes things will even be unfair, but it does not offer a good solution for how to toe the line between addressing your needs so that your partner can fulfill them (which it says you should do) and understanding when things aren't going to go your way and humbly deciding to love your partner anyway (which it also says to do, for God's sake).
  
  Thomas's main thesis, which is simply that marriage, before anything else, is not designed necessarily to make us happy but instead to make us grow in God, was compelling. I can see how other reviewers could think (as I did at parts) that he seems to push this point too hard, instead forgetting the joys, delight, and companionship that marriage can bring. At the same time I think it is an important message that is often lost in these times. Christian or not, a marriage is a commitment to make something as permanent as humanly possible, so it requires commitment in the face of much ugliness and adversity. Having seen poor marriages, it is clear to me that not all marriages are an idyllic state, even if we like them to be. Even the best marriages go through trying times. For those people, or during those times, Thomas's message is one of hope, showing that even in the worst moments we are engaged in an important project not just for the betterment of our partners but ourselves and our relationship with God.
  
  While I do not regret having read this book as a young woman soon to enter into marriage, I definitely think the audience is meant to be already married couples who find themselves disillusioned by the commitment they've entered. You're going to find advice for addressing the partner you have, not finding a better one or somehow changing him or her. Likewise, if you're looking for easy steps to fix your marriage, don't read this, because there aren't any. If you're looking for food for thought in helping you understand and define the nature of the commitment you've made as well as what can make you stronger within it, then check out this book.
• 
  Shannon

  For the first time in four or five years, I did a Bible Study this summer that wasn't an inductive study. To be quite honest, I was a bit fearful that I would hate doing a book study. I can't stand "how to" books and really hate being led by the nose to a specific conclusion. (Issues with authority, you think?) So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoy this book. Here's why:
  
  #1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Thomas encourages us to don new glasses in viewing our marriages. When we choose to do this, we can see our marriage not for what we gain from it, but for how it can shape and change us to be more like Christ.
  
  #2) This book is readable. Our group read two chapters each week and I found I could usually read the most of the two chapters in one treadmill session (roughly 30 minutes).
  
  #3) While the book is readable, it is still thought-provoking. Two chapters each week were plenty to read and ponder. Whether I'm reading fiction or non-fiction, I like a book that makes me think. This book not only made me think, it made me thankful for the marriage I have and made me take concrete steps to ease small frustrations I might have with my mate.
  
  #4) This book has stayed with me. I finished the book a few weeks ago and honestly didn't even think about reviewing it until yesterday. What prompted me to reconsider were conversations with two separate friends about how good I think this book is. One friend shared her challenges to regain her footing in her marriage after the birth of her first child. Another talked about her husband's ongoing work commitments and the drain this places on her family. I didn't have any wisdom of my own to offer, but did share that I think this book would be great for either of them to read.
  
  I've been married 13 years. This book made me thankful for the marriage I have. It also made me determined to pour myself into my marriage. Not to change my husband, but to be changed. If you're recently married, engaged or have been married for years, I'd encourage you to read this book. For the cost of a few hours spent reading, you can see marriage in a new way.
• 
  D. Robert Pease

  This book is absolutely amazing. The tag on the cover sums it up: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This is a ground-breaking concept in today's world of serial divorces. We seem to shop for spouses like we shop for new clothes. When the marriage gets difficult, or just worn out, we get a new wife or husband.
  
  But what if marriage is supposed to be hard? What if the "worse" in for better or for worse is pretty much a guarantee, and designed by God, to draw us closer to him, and maybe in the process even draw us closer to our spouse? These were questions that really challenged me to take a look at my all of my relationships. Do I run as soon as the going gets tough? If I don't like the people I work with, do I just get a new job? If I don't like my church, do I shop for a new one? And if I'm not particularly happy with my wife, do I consider just throwing in the towel?
  
  These are all questions I've been asking myself while reading this book. The author really helped me come up with some great answers. After 20 years of marriage, through some hard times when I wanted to just run, I am growing to love my wife more than the day I married her. I feel so sad for couples that never get to this point because they gave up, just when the good stuff (the hard stuff) started to happen. And, more importantly, I'm growing closer to God. I can see him working in my life every day. Teaching me how to love, even when those around me aren't very lovable (isn't that what He does every day?)
  
  I'd recommend this book for anyone who is married, whether "happily" or not so much. It can really help define for you the God-designed-purpose for your marriage: to draw you closer to Him.
• 
  Jl

  I got rid of my copy before finishing it (roughly four years ago). Between my incomplete reading and poor memory, I am probably doing the book a disservice. But here are some of my criticisms:
  1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our lives to make us holier, including marriage. But I think the overall purpose of marriage is to make us happy. If God designed marriage, then I see it as one good option in living an abundant life on earth. If I shared Thomas’ view, I may not have gotten married (my purpose, at least, was to be happy). On the other hand, maybe I would have married anyway, since…
  2. Being single does not appear to be a good option. I think too great a burden is placed on marriage, depicting it as a unique revealer of God, ourselves, and as a light to the world. I know this is a book about marriage, and there’s no need to include benefits of being single. Still, I felt like marriage was being exalted far above being single, which seems to contradict what Jesus and Paul said about being single. Also, I object to ideas like a strong marriage will picture to the world the reconciling love of Christ for His church. Not only because I’m skeptical of such a message being received, but also because I don’t think that it exists within the marriage. (Neither spouse plays the role of Redeemer; big jump from a relationship between two humans of equal footing to Christ and the church.) The emphasis on marriage as a witnessing tool also contributes to another issue…
  3. Divorce is never an option. Thomas says, “The first reason I keep my marriage together is because it is my Christian duty. If my life is based on proclaiming God’s message to the world, I don’t want to do anything to challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?” I didn’t notice encouragement to flee abusive marriages, to protect children from harmful spouses, etc. (I would say it is sometimes one’s Christian duty to leave a marriage). But apart from that, I found his condemnation of a failed marriage to be too harsh.
  4. This book could be detrimental if read by someone with a demanding or controlling spouse. In fact, Thomas goes so far as to say, “The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my wife happy was extraordinary. Can it mean, then, that if my wife is unhappy, I’m failing God?” No, an unhappy spouse does not equal a failure on the part of the other spouse (it does not mean a failure on anyone’s part). One is not to blame for the actions, attitudes, or emotions of one’s spouse.
  5. I usually dislike gender-based advice. While I readily acknowledge differences between men and women, I think cultural differences are too often attributed to biology, and too many generalizations are made. If a couple happens to fit Thomas’ stereotypes, the book will be more useful for them. I didn’t think it fit too well for my husband and me.
  6. As someone who doesn’t believe in a gender hierarchy, I object whenever patriarchal teaching occurs.
  I’d prefer the book if it didn’t take a doctrinal approach, and instead just tried to offer helpful relational advice.
  I got the quotes from the book’s study guide. I really shouldn’t write anything without the book itself, or a better memory, but that hasn’t stopped me from hazarding opinions anyway.
  
• 
  Brett Mclaughlin

  "Sacred Marriage" continues to be my go-to book on marriage (which by definition for me could be restated as "Christian marriage"). This is my third reading, and I still find myself underlining, "hmm"-ing out loud, and learning. Thomas treats marriage with a respect far greater toward God than for happiness, and that makes this book unique and profound.
  
  The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one that is explored on every page of every chapter. Thomas' concept is simply stated, albeit hard to live: is the end of marriage personal happiness, or sanctification? It's obvious that Thomas believes the end of marriage is indeed personal sanctification, and Scripture would bear out his conclusions.
  
  Because of this unusual premise, the chapters in the book are not what you might expect. Each chapter deals with one area of personal holiness that marriage deals with: truth about God, good prayer, building character, serving, and so forth. In other words, you won't find the typical chapters on "finances," "in-laws," "sex," and so forth. That sort of inward focus--how can this or that area of marriage be improved--goes against the very nature of what Thomas writes: God is most glorified not when a marriage is pleasing to those involved, but when those involved are focused on Christ, rather than themselves or even each other.
  
  As much as the book is excellent, though, it needs some complementing. Because of the Godward-focus, there are areas that married coupled should investigate, in light of a God-glorifying lens. Sexuality must be examined, probably in greater light than does Thomas. The same is certainly true for gender roles and headship. This is not an end-all resource, but it doesn't seem to attempt that goal. It does purport to be a central guide and correction for marriages that are focused on satisfaction in self and each other, though, and that is much needed.
  
  If you believe Scripture to be true, you really have no good excuse for not purchasing this book. It bears repeated readings, and will challenge your ideas about marriage many times over.
• 
  Adam Lockhart

  Eat the meat and throw out the bones.
  
  There are a lot of practical, biblical and wise teachings in here but the Christian trappings of "man works, woman stays at home" or the examples of moms homeschooling as well as some more Christian cliches (that I hate) make it difficult to read and more so to recommend to someone not familiar with those stereotypes.
  
  Being married to a loving, kind and generous but also strong and confident working woman (who often bucking a lot of the female stereotypes in the book) I don't think I'd even recommend it to her but I have shared some of the wisdom I've found.
  
  The book could benefit from an update and I'm still waiting for that book on marriage that doesn't make me cringe when I see the 50's roles of man/woman being applied to this era.
• 
  Christina DeVane

  This is a great book for those who’ve been married awhile! It’s not really a how-to process, but rather a mindset/perspective change in viewing our marriage as God intended, regardless of how long we’ve been married. So many powerful quotes that I would’ve liked to highlight! (I listened to this.)
  “When you say to your spouse ‘I don’t love you anymore’ you are in essence saying ‘I can’t live like a Christian anymore..’”
  He also brought out how our culture has overly romanticized marriage/relationships, which gives young people a skewed view of what true love is. Hadn’t really thought about that, but I totally agree!
  I will be coming back to this book, and feel encouraged and challenged to make my marriage better every day. I can only change myself!
• 
  Karen

  This book could have been condensed into one chapter. In my opinion, he's a little too heavy-handed with the whole idea of marriage as a spiritual discipline. Although there is some element of truth in what he's saying, he comes across as being himself in a pretty joyless marriage due to having married very young. I will confess that part of my annoyance with the book is his complementarian view of gender roles, which I staunchly disagree with. But not a bad read entirely. He is right in that most people, Christians and non-Christians alike, see marriage as being given for their happiness and not their holiness. He favors holiness, obviously. But does it have to be entirely joyless?
• 
  Skylar Burris

  Sacred Marriage is “not a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage.” It’s not even a book that seeks to tell you how to have a better marriage than you currently have. It is, rather, a book that tells you how to endure your marriage. Cheery, no? But if you accept marriage as a life-long proposition, then chances are, there will be times, perhaps seasons, when you simply do have to endure it, and I have yet to discover another book that advises people how to endure those times while growing in character.
  
  There are no “ten ways to spark up your love life” to be found here; no “six steps to better communication”. Rather, Sacred Marriage is “a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations” (but, let’s be honest here, mostly the struggles) “of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character.”
  
  I once heard an Indian pastor say, “In America, if you ask parents what they most want for their children, parents usually answer that they want their children to be happy. In India, parents usually answer that they want their children to be good.” Now, being good sometimes results in being happy, but not always. And being happy often does not require being good. We Americans tend to enter marriage thinking that it will make us happy, and if it fails to make us happy, we often leave, and this is just as true for Christians as it is for anyone else (in fact, Thomas points out that the divorce rate is actually higher among self-identified “born again” Christians than it is among secular people). “What if,” Gary Thomas asks, “God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” It’s neither a romantic nor a mercenary way of looking at marriage, but it may be the most useful way to look at life-long marriage in a fallen world.
  
  I recommend this book to any Christian who has ever felt less than fulfilled in his or her marriage or who has ever considered divorce. I personally would not recommend it to the engaged or the newlywed, however. It’s not that I think newlyweds should not be forewarned that a life-long marriage will almost inevitably entail some period of hardship, it’s that the book does make marriage seem rather like a crucible, and, unless you’ve already felt some marriage pains, you are bound either to be alarmed by the book or to be dismissive of its truths.
  
  Sacred Marriage is a book written by a man and largely for men, but women can also benefit from reading it, and I feel I did, despite the fact that I often did not feel his gender stereotypes applied to my own marriage. I run into this in secular marriage books as well, so it’s not a complaint about the author’s Christian traditionalism. It’s just, apparently, a universal tendency in books about relationships to assume women are always like X and men are always like Y.
  
  Overall, I thought the book was insightful and that it did the important work of dispelling an unhealthy romanticism with regard to marriage, but I did feel that he occasionally took things too far, that the book had too much to say about the struggles of marriage and too little to say about the joys. At times, I even felt he risked blurring the line between being selfless and being a doormat. Finally, he took too many pages to say some basic things. Despite all this, I rate the book highly because of the amount of truth that is in it, harsh though that truth may be, because of how desperately this message is needed in a society that teaches us to perpetually seek self-fulfillment, and because divorce causes so much poverty and emotional and social instability in our modern world.
  
• 
  April Knapp

  Original Review posted
  HERE
  
  I think every married couple should read this book! Of course, if you are not a believer in Jesus, you probably won't like it. But, I found the book both comforting and challenging.
  
  Gary Thomas writes in a way that's easy to understand and follow with several appropriate anecdotes to illustrate his points. I usually have a hard time reading non-fiction, but this book flowed nicely. It took me a long time to read because there is so much meat in it to process!
  
  Furthermore, he uses lots of scripture and few rhetoric. It's less about building a better marriage and more about seeing the character of God IN marriage. However, his principles can help you build a better marriage as he gives a more proper and biblical view of marriage than most of us hold.
  
  Favorite Excerpts:
  "It is unfortunate and sad when something so profound as living out and analogy of Christ and his church is reduced to experiencing this relationship as something that will help us avoid sexual sin, keep the world populated, and provide a cure for loneliness."
  
  "God is always worthy of being obeyed, and God calls me to serve my spouse-so regardless of how she treats me at any particular moment, I am called to respond as a servant."
  
  "No human being can love us the way we long to be loved; it is just not possible for another human to reach and alleviate the spiritual ache that God has placed in all of us."
  
• 
  Erin

  I read the first few chapters of this book when I was newly engaged, as my pastor recommended it to my husband and I to read as part of our pre-marriage counseling. In the throes of my soon-to-be-wed state, I didn't take the words of this book too seriously. I thought to myself, "Of course I'm going to love and serve my husband. Of course I am going to grow spiritually. Dissension in my marriage??? NEVER!" However, five years have passed and I revisited this book, reading it through to the end. This book really made me think about my marriage and where I am placing my priorities. It made me see my husband in a different way and made me think of my marriage as a mission from God. This book doesn't promise seven steps to a better marriage, nor does it even promise to make your marriage better. What this book does do is make you evaluate yourself so that YOU become better. I strongly recommend this book to any married person; however, I would say that for the most part, only Chapter 10 would have caught my attention when I was engaged.
• 
  Chin Hwa

  A thought-provoking and challenging book on the way marriage can be used to build character and foster a servant-hearted, humble attitude in each spouse. When the media is saturated with notions of self-fulfillment and romance as the most important elements of a happy marriage, Gary Thomas paints a picture of what he calls a "sacred marriage", shaped by sacrificial love and the spiritual disciplines of forgiveness, perseverance, and respect.
  
  Some gems from the book:
  
  'When disagreements arise, the natural tendency is to flee. Rather than work through the misunderstanding (or sin), we typically take a much more economical path -- we search for another church, another job, another neighborhood, another friend, another spouse. Marriage challenges this "flight" tendency. It encases us with a rock-hard, given-to-God promise that insists we work through the problem to arrive at some resolution. Mature adults realize that every relationship involves conflict, confession, and forgiveness.' (p. 162)
• 
  Kalena

  4.5*** There was a lot to appreciate in this book. The only reason I did not give it 5 stars is because it was written by a man, Gary Thomas. That sounded a little crazy, so let me explain. He wrote largely from his point of view as a husband and man seeking God, so while I found it very helpful and even inspiring that men out there work so hard at their marriage and relationship with God, there was just something missing. Overall, this book encourages you to accept marriage as a challenge for maturity, particularly Christian maturity. There is too little of this in the world today and I feel our love for Christ really should be evident in our homes, not just for our spouses but for our children to witness and learn from as well. For me, this is the best book I have read about marriage so far and I already know I will reread portions of it. Highly recommend.
• 
  Jason McIntire

  If I could give this book six stars, I would. If I could give a copy to every married Christan, I'd do that too. Thomas' perspective - that marriage is designed to produce holiness more than happiness in our lives - is refreshing and rings abundantly true. On top of that, he's an interesting writer who advances his teaching with relatable and often funny stories from his own life and ministry. Highly recommended for married people and engaged people within a few weeks of marriage.
  
  Important content warning for single people thinking about reading this book:
  
  If you're single, I recommend skipping the chapter on sex. It's very good and helpful content, but for singles it could be quite provocative in an unhealthy way as it's fairly explicit.
• 
  Jason Atkinson

  Fantastic book on marriage
  
  I have never read a Christian book on marriage that placed such a high priority on the sanctification aspect of marriage. His discussion of marital sex was even placed within the context of sanctification. The last chapter was undoubtedly my favourite. The struggle between individual calling and marriage was addressed. How does one live out ones individual calling within the context of marriage? Thomas gives a great answer.
• 
  Lisa Manske

  Too many dangerous ideas mixed in with the few good ones.
  
  Gary Thomas really makes marriage sound miserable. It's an old, worn-out idea that the more miserable you are, the more you suffer, the holier you are and the happier God is with you.
  
  Thomas teaches some very bizarre opinions. With nothing to back it up, he states, as fact, that women are attracted to aggressive men and men are primarily attracted to beautiful women. Then he says how awful it is to marry someone based only on those feelings. He actually advocates for ignoring your emotions and not worrying about whether you feel "in love" with the person you choose to marry. He praised the women of previous generations who married men that had all the right qualities but for whom they felt no romantic or sexual attraction. No wonder he's miserable.
  
  It is entirely possible, and common, to marry someone to whom you are romantically and sexually attracted AND who has all the right qualities. Why do we have to be miserable? We don't. We can grow in holiness while we are in a HAPPY marriage.
  
  Also, it's ok to end a marriage you realize was a big mistake. No, it doesn't hurt your mission for Jesus. Let's stop glorifying misery.
  
  Important note-- this book would be downright dangerous to a person in an abusive marriage. Thomas states over and over how important it is to stay even if you aren't happy. A few caveats about abuse aren't enough as most people are victims of emotional abuse, which is hard to define. Most abuse victims blame themselves. This book reinforces those domestic violence myths.
• 
  Michelle Inman

  I’m not proud of how long it took me to finish this book. We read this as a small group & I was absent the last week so I never read the last chapter until now.
  
  Maybe 2.5 stars in a world of half stars. It was just average. The tag line of it, “what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” is really compelling to me and one that I totally agree with, but I felt like Gary Thomas ventured far from this central point. I often read chapters & thought, “I just read a lot but what did it even say?” Really, I feel like each chapter could’ve been an article instead.
  
  The book did provide good conversation within our group I’m just convinced there are better Christian marriage books out there.
• 
  E.G. Bella

  RTC. Highly recommend this!
• 
  Katie Pate

  I wish I could give this book more than five stars! Highly recommend.
• 
  Katie

  This book is full of interesting insights and things to think about and to be fair, I think I would get a lot more out of it if I re-read it a time or two. I don't read a lot of books on marriage or parenting anymore because you have to admit the formula of "you're doin' it wrong, let me show you the one true way!" gets really old not to mention contradictory and confusing. What I love most about this book is that is NOT at all like that. You won't find 7 tips to communicate better, or sex secrets every couple should know, or how to make him understand women, or how to make her understand men. This book isn't about how to do marriage right, it's about what marriage will do to your soul as you struggle to do your best in your relationship with your spouse. It's about the insights you can gain about God and life from sharing your life intimately with another person. There is discussion of selflessness and sacrifice but it's in a larger context than "do this to make your marriage work." The funny thing is, Thomas very successfully makes the point that if you allow the work of marriage to transform you as an individual, your relationship will also be all that much stronger.
  
  As far as weak points, I often felt like as a woman Thomas was not really speaking to me, that a lot of his stronger statements were more addressed to the male half of a couple and a man's perspective. There was much of value for me to ponder nonetheless, but at times it got a little frustrating that he didn't seem to realize how gender-specific the insights were. Also, while I appreciate he is coming at relationships from a slightly more traditional perspective than I am, I was a little chafed by some of the "women are always like this, men are always like that" assumptions. I am not a soft and delicate flower, but am no less worthy of respect and consideration and no less a woman because of that; also, my husband doesn't play golf, unlike seemingly every other husband in this book. I speak with tongue in cheek there, but just a bit--there really is an awful lot of golf going on!
• 
  Karly Noelle Abreu White

  A powerful look at marriage as a means to making you "holy", not "happy". This isn't a book that advocates staying in an unhealthy relationship, nor an anti-divorce rhetoric. Rather, it is a book that teaches that marriage has a place in an active and healthy spiritual life, and is a spiritual calling, as much as celibacy was to the faithful nuns and monks of the middle ages. Marriage is a joy and a gift, but also a training ground and mirror for our relationship to Christ. Gary Thomas' concise and relatable writing, combined with his use of scriptural truths, sacred writings, and contemporary references get across a simple, but under-heard message; that marriage is a spiritual discipline. This book is both powerful and immensely readable, and while it never advocates staying in a marriage where a spouse has strayed or abused- and in fact, there is an extremely powerful story about a divorced woman and how it shaped her relationship to Christ within- the book counter culturally challenges the idea that marriage is about personal happiness and fleeting satisfaction, and does so in a non-confrontational, at times almost poetic way. Breaking down marriage into several spiritual components, the book ultimately concludes that "it is not good for man to be alone", and that our marriages serve a larger purpose than just comfort on earth. This was an excellent read to supplement premarital counseling for my fiancé and I, but it is also would be a wonderful tool for seasoned couples going through a rough patch.
• 
  Michelle

  My women's group used this book to guide discussions on a weekly basis for about six months. The group contained women with kids, without kids, single, divorce, remarried, widowed, and with traditional marriages. Everyone got something out of the discussions that took place despite their current situation. The author uses a lot of examples to try to get points across. Some are better than others, but all were helpful in getting the discussion going. The one chapter we lingered on the longest was the chapter on sex in marriage. This book speaks plainly about a lot of issues that people deal with in marital relationships. The only weakness I can see is that in a marriage where the wife is a Christian and the husband is abusive or hostile towards Chrisitianity, the advice given could be more harmful than helpful - especially the one on serving. As long as the two people in marriage are relatively equal in regards to their care and concern for each other, the advice given should help their marriages tremendously. Overall, this was a fabulous attempt to conquer difficult subjects. No one can write something that will fit all situations, so this author did a great job reaching the majority of his readers.
• 
  Vonetta

  This book must have been groundbreaking when it was first released because, over time, the ideas have become somewhat common knowledge in Christian circles. I'm giving it three stars because the ideas are interesting, but I found the couples used as examples extremely difficult to relate to. I think the audience for this book was (intentionally or unintentionally) really white, suburban, middle-class conservative people (I kept wondering if any of the women in the book had ever worked a day in their lives or would ever get a job, for example). One can only expect the author to write from their own experience, so I couldn't expect Thomas to include couples that may be outside of his personal network. That said, someone should update this type of book to make it more relatable for married Millennials, and include nonwhite, more economically diverse ones (and I don't just mean poor; rich people have a bucket of different problems, too).
• 
  Nathan Schrock

  This was an excellent reminder to think more deeply about my marriage than just how it makes me feel. I think I would have benefitted more from reading it than listening, so I may do that in the future.
  
  Some quotes:
  "The problem I'm trying to address is that a happy marriage, defined romantically and in terms of pleasant feelings, is too often the end game of most marriage books, even Christian marriage books. This is a false promise. You won't find happiness at the end of a road named Selfishness." (Chapter 1)
  
  "There's no question that marriage limits how much we can do, but it multiplies what we can become." (Chapter 14)
• 
  Mandy J. Hoffman

  WOW! Every couple should read this book and every couple getting ready to get married should read this book. Gary Thomas did a powerful job of showing how marriage is not about our indiviual happiness but about how we can grow in holiness. The copy that I just read was a library book, but if it had been mine it would have been dog-eared and full of stars and underlines! My perspective of marriage has been greatly altered and I look forward to the years ahead that God gives us with a renewed passion.
• 
  Jake Hagan

  A must read. This book taught me so much, but it really makes you want to put the book down and go live. That is a good book to me.
• 
  Kristen Parnell

  Author Gary Thomas affirms the value and purpose of marriage in this book. He suggests the purpose of marriage is not primarily our happiness but our holiness, and when holiness is the pursuit, happiness/satisfaction often follows. As an engaged woman, I truly appreciate this perspective. Our culture's view of marriage and relationships in general is a selfish one: Will this person make me happy? Then, when pleasure fails, the relationship often ends. However, when holiness or the intentional desire to become more Christ-like through marriage is the goal, couples find joy in serving each other and in a purpose that transcends themselves. Thomas provides good examples and Scriptural support throughout, and I will definitely want to re-read this book again at some point. Although this book is written toward married couples, it is also an excellent reading for dating or engaged ones.
• 
  Brittany

  Honestly, this is one of the best books I've ever read. A book I plan to read every year. Addresses so many essential elements of an individual's relationship with Christ, while relating those elements to marriage. I definitely grew spiritually by reading this book.