But I Have Called You Friends by Mary Francis

But I Have Called You Friends Reviews

• 
  Miss Clark

  
  Mother Francis explores, in her gentle, humorous and informal way, the timeless principles of friendship that help anyone who seeks a deepened understanding of the mystery of loving and being loved.
  
  So saith the introduction. And it sums up the book very nicely, except for mentioning that the book is primarily focused on how members of the religious life will practice friendship. Many of the universal constants are covered, but given that the focus is much more narrow and thus not as easily applicable to all readers as a straight-up treatise on the art of Christian friendship would have been, I marked it down to three stars. Still well-worth the read, but with less to actually implement in your daily life.
  
  An example of a reflection on God's love: The thought that we are perfectly understood by God at all times is so large a thought that I feel I come right up to it, have almost got hold of it, and then it gets too large for me to grasp. At every moment, God knows exactly how you feel, exactly why you react the way you do, exactly how your emotional apparatus operates or fails to operate or operates poorly. He understands how things affect you, affect you perhaps in an entirely different way than they affect anyone else in the room or the monastery. He understands the things that are very difficult for you, though perhaps not difficult at all for other people. He understands how what may be extremely joy0giving to you is perhaps just a by-the-way matter to others. He knows what arouses your extreme enthusiasm, what tempts and tries you, all that is peculiar to you. Yes, this is so large a thought that we can't quite take it in: we are perfectly understood by God at all times, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
  
  Every day God bears our burdens, never gets disgusted with us, despairs of us. God so excels our own love of ourselves that He never gets discouraged with us, no matter how discouraged we may be with ourselves.
  
  Three elements of friendship: esteem, respect, and affection. You feel an affection for someone or for certain people, and it is based on superficial elements. You don't really esteem that person; and so the affection that you feel for that person is not really very true. A genuine lasting affection must spring from esteem and respect.
  
  We say that people are lovable, but they are people that we have allowed to be lovable. It is your love that makes them beautiful. Your love that makes them lovable.
  
  You find people who are afraid, afraid not to be loved. They become very cold and withdrawn. They could be warm, affectionate people so afraid of not being accepted as his/herself that they have been lured into a severe aloofness from others. They tell themselves that it does not matter if others accept them. If he/she chooses to be withdrawn and aloof, even abrasive and caustic, then they don't run the risk of giving out love and warmth, respect, and possibly having it rejected. Those who appear arrogant are really frequently deeply unsure of themselves, feel second-rate and are striving to prove to themselves and others that they are not inferior.
  
  [We have all had:] The occasion of meeting someone whom we have immediately loved. Intuitive friendship is a great blessing, but a rare one. We must not get the false idea that we have no basis for friendship for those for whom we do not feel this immediate intuitive friendship.
  
  Be patient in friendship. Understanding is a slow process. Real friendship is a developing, ever evolving affair.
  
  Lewis considers love of friendship the highest love. Friendships characterized by the sharing of deepest thoughts, experiences and opinions is only possible with a very, very limited group of people, sometimes only one person. So there is also friendship in the broader sense.
  
  The important thing was that she felt perfectly free to come amd say what she she thought. If she felt that she could not tell me her real feelings on the point, I think this would show great psychic immaturity on my part if I am unable to bear opposite opinions.
  
  We are all mysteries, each one a separate mystery of God. And I would add that we are very precious mysteries of God, very fragile mysteries of God. None of us can gauge how we are affecting one another all the time.
  
  I would say that those excerpts should give you a decent idea of what the book is like. I will simple end with this...
  
  "By this will all men know that you are my followers, that you love one another." John 13:35
  
  You are never completely yourself unless you know yourself to be loved.
• 
  Kristina Catherine

  Really good short read on how and why to have friendships. Since this was originally a talk given to cloistered nuns, the tone is more specific to women and the context of living in community, but is also appropriate for anyone. I'm a single woman living alone, but this was helpful regarding both my current relationships (including friendships, acquaintances, and even people I have problems with) and in considering a marriage vocation.
  
  This is also an easy read since it was originally a talk, very conversational. I was reading a borrowed copy, so I took notes, but I recommend this as a book to buy, underline, and refer back to occasionally, as there are a lot of nice little quotes that are helpful for differences occasions and circumstances.
  
  Remember, to improve your relationships, the only person you can change is yourself! 😊
• 
  Michael Choi

  Novel insights about friendship; especially how we are meant to receive as much as give to each other.
• 
  Victoria Claire

  Though this book is written by a Mother in a religious order encouraging her sisters to grow in friendship in the context of communal religious life, it is very relevant to the lay person. The lens of religious life allows for a simplicity of teaching about friendship. Mother Mary Francis' reflections and practical direction about friendship is rooted in the idea that as communal persons, we are truly called to love each other mutually. This act of loving is often manifested in openness to understanding. She clarifies many times that we cannot come to know a person as if she is a project to be analysed, because this is not loving. Rather, we should have awe in the mystery of God's creation and allow understanding of another to grow organically. She especially addresses how to respond to our dislike of people, and that we must find something lovable in that person so that we can come to know the truth that the person herself is indeed lovable. Again, seeking to understand another is key, while keeping in mind that only God himself can fully understand us, so we must not expect to fully understand others or be fully understood by others. We must, however, recognize the mystery of another, and "look again and again" (spectare, latin root of "respect") at the other so as to truly see them for their true value, remaining always in the proper state of humble awe of God's creation. Mother Mary Francis warns her sisters not to "tolerate" others, which is taken often in a condescending connotation, but to truly see them as lovable and to give and receive love, allowing friendship to grow gradually over time. The book is full of tangible examples of sisterly interactions that ground the abstract in particulars. One of my greatest take-aways is her treatment of the simplicity and love that can occur in nonverbal communication, something that I want to practice as an expression of love when words may be unnecessary.
• 
  Claire Gilligan

  A brief read, but a pleasant one. Spiritual conferences given by Mother Mary Francis to the contemplative nuns under her care, this are of course applicable to any friendship, and are easy to read, yet clear and clear-sighted. A good spiritual read!
• 
  booklady

  Recommended by Miss Clark; read her review!
• 
  Emily

  A beautiful set of meditations on friendship: useful for EVERYONE, not just cloistered nuns!
• 
  Julia

  Excellent perspective on friendship