Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands by Gary L. Thomas

Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands Reviews

• 
  Andrea

  I really struggle to rate this book. It gave me A LOT of food for thought, challenged me and gave me instantly applicable ways to work on my marriage. However, I had a difficult time with the author's view on divorce and separation and thought some of his advice was more pragmatic and secular (leaning on psychology) than Biblical. I'm still processing the information and I believe Gary Thomas is writing from years of experience; I think this contributes to a more practical, realist approach than the sometimes spiritualized, idealistic approach of people who haven't seen some really hard situations. The question is: should incredibly difficult situations alter what we see as clear teaching from scripture? Should we leave room for special cases?
  
  The author is very careful to explain that he is an advocate for marriage and to show that divorce is not an easy out. However, some of the way he talked about divorce/separation concerned me. He wrote that separation is appropriate in some situations (in order for men to feel the consequences of their actions and for women to develop their own strength) and that "it's not a sin to need a vacation if your marriage is driving you crazy." In some particularly difficult times in my own marriage, I think this sort of advice would have helped me justify separation which I believe could have been incredibly damaging to our marriage.
  
  In the case of adultery (or unrepentant, continuous pornography) and abuse, Thomas argues that divorce is legitimate. He writes, "God is against divorce in most cases, but he's equally against marriages that are sucking the lives out of women that are married to spiritually sick men." In another chapter he says, "If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions, even institutions he created...I will never defend a marriage above the emotional, spiritual and physical health of a woman." He draws a parallel between this and Christ's teaching that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. This is a new thought for me, but also a concerning one. How can we tell when the cost is too high? When we're hurting it feels too high NOW. How can we tell if our spouse is too "spiritually sick" to stay in the marriage? Aren't we all spiritually sick to some degree? We don't know how or when God will change our spouse's heart or how he will use our difficulties in our own lives. Yet, knowing the types of situations that happen in real life, can I really condemn the author's reasoning that divorce is sometimes the answer? I am pretty against divorce, both as a child of divorced parents and as someone who has struggled much in my own marriage. Without an unwavering commitment to staying married, I wonder how many people will look for any justification to exit their marriage and possibly miss out on what God was trying to do in their lives. This book, although highlighting examples of couples who did adamantly reject divorce outright, troubled me in this area and I would be reluctant to recommend it because of it. It is helpful, though, that Thomas encourages the reader to determine their views of what the Bible says about this matter before taking any action.
  
  I also thought some of the material was too pragmatic. For example, the author talks about "functional fixedness," the idea that men need to feel the consequences for themselves before being willing to change because they don't have empathy for the consequences that their spouse feels. He writes that if you can't compel him to be more responsible with money, or fulfill his responsibilities around the house you should refuse to eat out with him or accept that the house doesn't get clean if he doesn't do his share of the house work, allowing him to be impacted by his choices (which he distinguishes from punishing him). This advice could conflict with the complementarian view of marriage and could also push a marriage into the realm of roommates - each responsible for their own part, but not working together as a whole.
  
  Speaking of complementarianism, the author describes both that and egalitarianism. Though he seems to favor complementarianism (and says that he own marriage resembles that model) he writes that most of the material works for both egalitarian and complementarian marriages. He compliments egalitarianism for the call for women to fulfill their responsibilities and not be passive but also says the Bible clearly calls wives to some form of submission. Encouraging the reader to consult the Bible about this topic, he writes that "regardless of which view you adopt on marital roles, Moses in Genesis and the apostle Paul in his writings are both quite explicit that the wife embrace the spiritually powerful position of being her husband's helper."
  
  Thomas presents lots of research about the biological differences in the male brain, but he is careful to not excuse bad behavior on the grounds of any sort of inherent disposition. I appreciated this material (like learning that men are, on average, seven hours behind women in their processing of emotionally charged material) and it helps make sense of situations we experience regularly. The author tries hard to help women understand that men do not think like women and you can tell that his heart is for couples to understand each other, be gracious in differences (without excusing sin) and learn from the strengths that God gave to each. He writes that we see in Christ the perfect balance of the strengths of male and female brains. We need to learn from and appreciate each, and children need to be raised under the influence of both. I'm really thankful for how the author gives material to challenge wives about how to appreciate and understand their husband's differences and still holds men accountable for their individual choices. It was interesting and helpful to hear from a man's perspective about the topics covered.
  
  One of my final concerns is that, even with my background in psychology, I have grown increasingly leery of it and there are a couple times that Thomas' arguments feel overly psychological or biological. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that God does give us insight into how our brains and bodies work and it would be foolish to ignore how these parts of our beings influence us.
  
  Those are my concerns and are things that I am still thinking through, but that would keep me from whole-heartedly recommending the book. Now for the concepts that really encouraged/challenged me:
  
  1. You can change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. A + B = C (even if one is constant, if you change the other you can change the outcome).
  
  2. Marriage isn't primarily fueled by the love you give to your husband, it's primarily fueled by the love you receive from God. "Whenever your husband breaks your heart, let God fill it. Before you try anything else, even before you seek resolution, learn to run into the amazing, affirming, understanding refuge that is God. Allow the puzzle of loving an imperfect man to push you into a fulfilling partnership with the God who loves you and loves your husband and who will work with you in any holy endeavor."
  
  3. Transform the focus of your expectations from what you expect of your husband to what your God expects of you. "Respond to temptations to judge your husband, by praying to God to change you. Go into prayer armed with two lists: your husband's strengths and your own weaknesses."
  
  4. "Your job as a wife is to stay sensitive to your husband's strengths. Resist the temptation to compare his weaknesses to another husband's strengths while forgetting your husband's strengths and somebody else's husband's weaknesses. Don't resent your husband for being less than perfect. He can't be anything else."
  
  5. "Harmony, joy, and peace will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross."
  
  6. Your husband is not the church. God called us into community. There's no way that your husband can (or should be expected to) meet all of your needs. Seek other members of the body (same sex) with whom to pray, study, run, etc.
  
  7. If it's good for him, it's good for us.
  
  There is really helpful material about anger that I appreciated. He encourages women to not blame themselves for their husbands' anger writing that it's impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. However, he reasons that it's inevitable that spouses will be angry with each other at times. He writes, if you ask him to never be angry you'll confuse him, because asking him to never feel anger is like asking you never to feel hurt. Both are the result of two sinners living together. He clarifies that anger as a feeling becomes a sinful expression when it scares, threatens or hurts. It is also sinful when it pressures someone to give in, or keeps them from expressing their own feelings. He challenges women in their response to their husband's sinful anger writing that you must work to stay humble in your opposition of pride. Just because someone I'm opposing is wrong, doesn't mean I'm right. There are a million ways to miss a target, and only one way to hit it.
  
  There's quite a bit of material about sexuality (both the necessity of it in marriage and the perversion of it) that was challenging and helpful, though I don't necessarily agree with his perspective with everything.
  
  Overall, I was really challenged by this book. It gave me a lot of compassion for my husband, for the unique struggles that may impact men differently than women and for the needs that he has. It made me think seriously about loving him well and put Luke 6:32 ("If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.") in the context of marriage. Even a unbeliever can love a husband who is thoughtful, attentive, handy, and so on. Christian wives are called to love their imperfect husbands and so imitate God's love for us. It convicted me of my sinful attitudes, expectations and behaviors and gave lots of very practical help for working on myself, encouraging my husband and glorifying God in our marriage. I would recommend this to mature believers with a caveat about the concerns mentioned above. I would enjoy the opportunity to go through this book with a mature friend who could help me Biblically process the things I was unsure about and hold me accountable to work through the many areas covered. I will definitely re-read it.
  
  I love Gary Thomas' audiobooks because he reads them himself and I think I get so much more out of them by listening. He's a fast reader and he is very expressive and warm - it almost feels like a counseling session. I only miss being able to easily reference the text for further study/follow up.
• 
  Lisa Manske

  Summary-- men are childish and immature, vastly out of touch with their own thoughts and emotions. As a wife, you need to suppress and ignore your own needs and wants. You need to make your husband's life as convenient and cushy as possible because he can't be a godly husband until his home life is nothing but coddling and sex. Don't expect much from your husband, he's incapable of much. If you find yourself in an abusive marriage, you should try harder and not leave. Well, you can leave your abusive husband but God will be happier with you if you don't. If you husband is having an affair, try harder, don't file for divorce. Basically, the wife can't make decisions or have any needs, wants, dreams, or goals, but, at the end of the day, she's responsible for everything, you can't expect a man to be a decent husband unless the wife is literally his slave. Even then, he might not be a decent husband, but God wants us to suffer in our marriages.
  
  Reading this book gives me immense sympathy for the author's wife.
• 
  Tamara Sam

  If you view your marriage as a ministry, understanding that it's much bigger than 'just being happy', then you should check out this book. All that stuff sounds great; but practical meaningful application is what we crave.
  
  This isn't a book outlining the 10 steps to fixing your husband. Instead it speaks to wives about how to allow God to change your view of marriage, and of your husband.
  
  I highlighted the crap out this big.. lol But now here comes the real challenge: transforming what I now know into what I now do. Pray for a sistah lol :)
• 
  Mapperachel Matsudaira

  Gary Thomas should have titled this book "Letting Your Husband Off the Hook". The consistent premise is that it's up to wives to be the glue to hold their marriages together. How? By giving up on having their needs met and instead trying harder and harder and harder to make their husbands happy. Lower your expectations for your man and your marriage and remember that God will reward you in Heaven for your sacrifices on earth. Good luck ladies.
• 
  Ashley Bowman

  Read this book to learn how to better love your husband, but read it ready to allow your own heart issues to be exposed and dealt with! So excellent!
• 
  Charmin

  HIGHLIGHTS:
  1. RULE #1: Stop taking your husband for granted. Women who ignore this aspect of marriage because they’re too busy with their children have it backward.
  - They risk opening up their children to the devastating wound of divorce by not tending to the stability of their marriage.
  - In willingly assuming the role of wife, you pledge to spend a good deal of effort and time on the welfare of your husband.
  
  2. WIFE ROLE: Your job as a wife is to fight to stay sensitive to your husband’s strengths.
  - He’s moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go.
  - Your lack of time limits your ability to help.
  - Find one or two really strategic ways to make your husband’s life run smoothly, you’ll cement his affections.
  
  3. WORK ON YOURSELF: The reason it’s so important for you to concentrate on your own growth is so that you can avoid the sin of pride, which constantly tempts us to focus on changing our spouses while neglecting our own weaknesses.
  - Your husband cannot possibly be all things to you.
  - You are responsible to get certain things that you need for your own personal development—and emotional and spiritual health, outside of marriage.
  - No husband, by himself, is enough; you still need others, and it’s your responsibility to cultivate those other relationships.
  
  4. BE HAPPY: It does something to a man’s heart when his wife and kids look happy to see him.
  - Without feeling appreciated, admired, and genuinely respected, your husband probably will never change.
  
  5. BE VIGILANT: *Keep your finger on the pulse of your marriage*
  - A wise woman understands her husband’s desires and uses them to strengthen the relationship.
  - She anticipates his needs and gives him something to look forward to when he comes home, reinforcing his need for her, his desire for her, and his focus for her.
  
  6. BREAK DOWN: Marriages breakdown because one or both partners simply stop trying to please their spouse.
  - Many people in marriage simply stop caring about whether they’re “good in bed”.
  - They abuse the security and commitment of the relationship, allowing their physical intimacy to fall into a predictable routine.
  
  7. PLAY: Men want the freedom to occasionally do something “fun” without the guilt.
  - Men love to laugh and they love women who have a great, spontaneous sense of humor.
  
  8. TALKING: It hurts men to talk through hurtful experiences.
  - Because of the way, the female brain works (oxytocin release), talking through emotional issues have a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men; such discussions create anxiety and stress.
  - Usually, people stonewall as protection from feeling flooded (shell-shocked). His brain doesn’t work
  
  9. SEX: Sex is the quickest way for a man to bond with a woman.
  - Husbands are far more likely to be more heavily involved and invested in the home if their wife pursues him sexually.
  
  10. BEHAVE YOUR WAY: In a mature marriage, romance is maintained only through hard work, deliberate choices, and concrete actions.
  - You can’t force feelings, but you can choose to act so that feelings usually follow.
  - If we act like we’re in love, we’ll keep falling in love.
• 
  Megan Schraer

  I was very encouraged by this book. The reason I did not give it the full 5 stars is because, especially at the beginning of the book, the author assumed that the reader has a particularly difficult husband/miserable marriage. I understand every marriage has its difficult seasons but it doesn't mean that every husband is awful or that every marriage is horrible.
  
  Gary Thomas had a good balance of suggestions for work on my own heart and practical, gentle steps to love my husband better. Much of the wisdom shared in this book is something I wish I would have read/known about earlier in marriage.
• 
  Debbie Bratton

  I’ll start by saying I read Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Marriage and found it helpful. Because of that, my husband got me this book and thought I’d like it just as much, so I read it. Otherwise, I never would have picked out a book on “how to influence your husband.” The subtitle screams “manipulative” to me.
  
  This book had some redeeming parts to it, but overall I did not like the manipulative undertones of the book (influence can easily turn into manipulation because of our fallen nature). There also seemed to be a lot of flip-flopping back and forth between his stance on wives needing to be longsuffering helpers to their husbands and not putting up with the husband’s sinful behavior. Almost like it was two separate books in one. Overall, as a marriage book, I felt it was pretty shallow. There is a much grander, Christ-exalting biblical view of marriage that I felt was missing from this book, and for that reason, I think this book is more self-help-ish than I like. Some helpful parts, but ultimately I would not recommend this book.
• 
  Julie Keller

  Biblical, convicting, practical, and balanced.
• 
  Charity

  This book opened up my eyes to a lot but ultimately led me back to the Word of God to understand my position as my husbands helper, encourager, influencer,motivator,lover... it also helped me understand the differences between the male and female mind and so much more. Read it Family and friends even if your not married to get knowledge and understanding of how God intended marriage to be.
• 
  Linda Sedillo

  This book was a great read. I learned so many things about men and women, the differences on how God created us. I hope to influence and shape the soul of my husband for the Lord. I would highly recommend this book to all married women who complain about their husbands.
  
  Love is unconditional and it is not earned but given freely. Martial love is sacrifice and worth it.
• 
  Sally

  Another in the seemingly-trademarked-array of "Sacred" books, this one focuses on how wives can influence their husbands. The first section emphasizes one's identity in Christ and reminds the reader to seek fulfillment in Christ, not in one's husband. The second section covers the way men think, the importance of marriage, and the most effective ways to communicate with and understand one's husband ("your man"--yes, he uses that term!). The third section gives some specific situations in which wives can impact their husbands: angry husbands, busy husbands, straying husbands, unsaved husbands, etc.
  
  This book would be very helpful to wives dealing with those specific situations, but all married women would benefit from the first two sections, especially the sections that give insight into the male mind.
• 
  Lisa

  I was very apprehensive to read this book. I have preconceived notions of what Christian male authors are going to tell me...is he going to tell me to cook and clean more to be a holy wife? Gag.
  
  Alas! I have been equally challenged, encouraged, and enlightened by this book. I've been reading with a group of women and we have all been profoundly affected by this book. We have all learned things about our husbands, our marriages, and our unique, individual desires, and how to serve one another better. This book is not about changing our husbands (as we can not change anyone), but about influencing them by encouraging and supporting them. Highly (and surprisingly) recommended.
• 
  Melissa Andrews

  A tough read - not because the material is difficult or poorly written; it's actually very well done - but because what he suggests a wife do to influence her husband often goes against the grain of how we think naturally. Definitely written for those who believe in God and in His power to change people (both wives abs husbands) and to bless marriages.
  
  He gives lots of practical advice and has lots of examples from real marriages. The contents definitely will make you think about your marriage and how you are supporting your husband.
  
  Sigh. It's hard being a woman. :-)
• 
  Lynette Karg

  Though this book does have some practical suggestions that might improve the wife's interaction with her husband, I would be hesitant to recommend it. At times it seems that the author is recommending a type of behavior modification intead of obedience to Christ and the Scriptures. It is very easy to get the impression that if wives will just do XYZ then husbands will respond accordingly, which is not the case, and should not be the motivation. If it is, we will give up if it is not "working" or producing desired results.
• 
  Marliss Bombardier

  This is an absolutely great book for understanding your man from a man's perspective but fully sympathizing and engaged with the woman's perspecitve. If you got a lot out of "For Women Only" you will really appreciate this book which expands and goes much further than that one. Highly recommended. I would like to read his other books on marriage now.
• 
  Cindi McMenamin

  I read this book as research in writing my book "When a Woman Inspires Her Husband." This book was insightful and had great biblical advice on marriage as well as good insights by the author, although it starts off assuming the husband is pretty messed up or the wife is very frustrated in wanting to see some changes in him. Overall an excellent read, though.
• 
  Indira

  This book is unique in that it is written by a man to help us better understand the kind of love our husbands thrive on. I learned so much by reading this book that I am hoping to practice in my own marriage.
• 
  maggie

  This book gives hope and a strategy. Choosing to love your husband whatever his failings in the context of you being a loved child of God is a surprisingly empowering message for a wife. The case histories are believable and inspire the reader to get busy.
• 
  Damon Gray

  Sacred Influence author Gary Thomas is a writer in residence at Second Baptist Church in Houston, and an adjunct faculty member teaching on spiritual formation at Western Seminary in Portland, even though he makes his home in Washington state just a few miles from my own home. Thomas is the author of several outstanding books, including Sacred Marriage, Sacred Pathways, Pure Pleasure, Sacred Parenting, and the Gold Medallion Award winning, Authentic Faith.
  
  I recommend this specific book, particularly for wives who struggle to understand why their husbands behave the way they do. If you're frustrated with your marriage, experiencing 'the silent treatment,' or 'stonewalling,' if you find yourself nagging your husband, if the conversations seem to be one-way discussions, then Thomas will suggest a Christ-based approach to understanding your husband, and learning how you, as his wife, can inspire, influence, and help him move in directions that induce positive intimacy in your marriage, resulting in a transformation wherein you and your husband are unified in your pursuit of God, and of one another.
  
  When reading this work, even identifying the less than admirable characteristics being called out in men (myself) I found myself over and over again saying, 'Yes! That is exactly how I feel!' As a woman, you will find in this book a fresh and insightful perspective to help you understand your husband as you begin to understand how your marriage looks through his eyes. It is not that your husband's view is perfect, or that his vantage point is the correct one, but seeing through his eyes will enable you to make sense of they way he behaves and responds to you. God has chosen you to do a meaningful work in your husband's life that only you can do, and understanding your husband's thought process will assist you in that noble calling.
  
  It is important to understand, however, that this book is not to be viewed as a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for sinful, abusive, domineering husbands. It is not. This is a book written to a wife about her husband. This is not a good read for that woman who is in a neglectful, abusive marriage. It is, rather, perfect for an FM-frequency wife who is trying to hear, understand, and relate to her AM-frequency husband. If you, as a wife, find yourself asking, 'Why does my husband do [fill in the blank],' then this book is for you.
• 
  Alisha Greenlaw

  This was such a great read even though it took me a long time to get through it. It's one book that I will probably keep for forever because I've underlined and highlighted so much. I'm not always a fan of these kinds of Christian books simply because the information can seem redundant or too simple ("follow these three steps to have the perfect life!"). But this one was different, in my humble opinion. I found this book to be an insightful mix of Biblical truths and modern psychology. I feel like the male brain and chemistry was explained to me in a way that I had not been taught before. So naturally, I feel like I understand parts of my husband so much better. Of course this is generally speaking and doesn't account for all the different personality types, but I feel like the author did a great job of addressing that. This book isn't setting out to fix any single marriage issue (it doesn't claim to.) Rather, this book is a helpful guide for women who want to understand their spouse (or even potential spouse) better. There's lots of modern examples and information included. Highly highly recommend.
• 
  Kaitlin Avila

  I love this book and the advice that Gary Thomas gives. He clearly stated that he is not a doctor or a therapist but he clearly knows a thing or two about marriage. There are some things that are widely generalized that can be perceived as troubling, but I believe his whole point is that the time to scrutinize over your husbands character is before you get married and not after. Once you are married you do have a biblical obligation to do everything you can to make it work. This takes sacrifice and dependence on God. His word never returns null and His promises are true. It was a great eye opener to things I need to be working on this year.
• 
  Bookiemom LG

  This book calls women to REALLY take a look at themselves. Real change can only occur when the wives look at themselves. It REALLY calls wives to truly see and understand the true calling of marriage. This book had me in tears at times when I was reading. It really stepped on my toes and caused me to really take a look at myself and see what I was doing wrong. It hurt me to see that, but now I know what I must do. Stay focused on my marriage and not what my husband is doing wrong. I thank God for this book. It was a good read.
• 
  Elizabeth

  Though difficult to hear at times, everything Gary says in this book rings true. In an entitled society where people (especially women) are quick to blame others for the status of their relationships and dwell on what we deserve or what we lack, this book calls us to be accountable for our own actions and focus on what we can give to our spouses and gratitude for others all the while relying on God for strength and patience during difficult times. I would recommend this book to any married woman.