When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People by Gary L. Thomas

When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People Reviews

• 
  George P.

  This sentence in Gary Thomas’ new book grabbed my attention: “Sometimes to follow in the footsteps of Jesus is to walk away from others or to let them walk away from us.”
  
  I wish someone had told me that 25 years ago, when I stood in a courtyard between Sunday School classrooms yelling at a church member. At that time, I was the 25-year-old Christian education director of the church in which I had grown up. I superintended approximately 20 Sunday School classes and taught one myself.
  
  One day, an eager, early-middle-age Brit joined the class. At first, he kept to himself, which was fine by me. After several weeks, he began participating in class discussions, which was also fine by me. But I began to notice a trend to his class contributions. They all had to do with the inferiority of this or that modern translation of this or that Bible verse when compared to the King James Version. He was a King James Only kind of guy, it turned out.
  
  It took me a while to catch on to this. My first response was to educate myself. Then, young teacher that I was, my next response was to educate him. But regardless of my months of feeding him articles and hours of one-on-one time explaining the error of his ways, he persisted in derailing every class discussion he participated in — and he now participated in all of them! — with bad exegesis and crazy conspiracy theories.
  
  Which is why I was standing in the courtyard after Sunday School, exasperated at his latest shenanigans, telling him not to attend my Sunday School class, or any other, ever again.
  
  Why do I tell you this? Not because I am proud of my response to KJV Guy. I’m not. I tell you this because at that stage in my life, I felt it was my duty as a Christian and as a minister to devote lavish amounts of time to any person who demanded it, no matter how unreasonable their demand. Over the years, as a practical matter, and to retain my sanity, I’ve stopped doing that. But in the back of my mind, I always felt a bit guilty for not being more like the
  “Hound of Heaven.”
  
  But as Gary Thomas demonstrates in When to Walk Away, not only did Jesus himself walk away from people on occasion, He allowed them to walk away from Him. Thomas includes an Appendix listing 41 times in the Gospels that Jesus did this for one reason or another. It makes for eye-opening reading.
  
  Jesus walked away or let others walk away for a variety of reasons. Thomas’ focus in this book is walking away from “toxic people.” These people excel in at least one of three things: “a murderous spirit, a controlling nature, and a heart that loves hate.” When to Walk Away includes numerous examples, from Thomas’ life and pastoral counseling, of toxic people.
  
  Thomas is careful to warn against understanding toxicity too broadly. It’s not synonymous with difficult people or circumstances. After all, Jesus came to “to seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10), and the lost are difficult people in difficult circumstances by definition. Toxic people are difficult, but in a soul-killing, relationship-destroying way. Like internet trolls, once you’ve identified them, you’re best off avoiding them.
  
  Why? Because God doesn’t want His children to play defense against toxic people. He wants them to go on offense, using their best time, talents and treasures to develop “reliable people,” that is, 2 Timothy 2:2 people. In that verse, Paul writes, “And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.”
  
  Although Thomas spends most of the book advising readers how to identify and then disentangle themselves from toxic people, the heart of his book is really Chapters 6 and 7, “No Time to Waste” and “Reliable People.” In those two chapters, he outlines a strategic offense that allows us to put our best time and efforts into reliable people. This doesn’t mean avoiding problems or difficulties, since even reliable people have plenty of both. It does mean exercising discernment about people, however. And in some cases, the good news is that even toxic people, at least some of them, can become reliable ones through strong boundaries and good counsel.
  
  I recommend When to Walk Away to pastors and other church leaders especially, who, perhaps more than others, strongly feel Christ’s imperative to disciple people. Thomas didn’t write it just for pastors, however, and it can be read profitably by just about anybody.
  
  Book Reviewed
  Gary Thomas, When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2019).
  
  P.S. If you liked my review,
  please click “Helpful” on my Amazon review page.
  
  P.P.S. I wrote this review for
  InfluenceMagazine.com. It is posted here with permission.
• 
  Carrie ReadingtoKnow

  I cannot say enough nice things about this book. It was truly life changing (serious) and revolutionary (sadly). As Thomas says at one point in the book, this is a necessary writing because for every 100 books on forgiveness and relationships, there is only one book such as this one and it's true. As a Christian, I am well, well, well versed in the concept of striving in a relationship and working towards resolution. I've questioned scripture, elders, pastors, leaders, etc., on what happens when the other party doesn't seem to want to resolve an issue and I've never ever received a satisfying answer. As a result, my wheels have been left spinning endlessly as I'm sidetracked by battles I cannot win and emotions which have been frequently overwhelming.
  
  Thomas looks at conflict resolution through the eyes of scripture, clearly explaining a Christian's mission on earth and how it can be sidetracked by certain relationships at certain points in time. "Toxic" - he acknowledges - is an overused word and a catch phrase these days and so he puts in the time defining what toxic actually is and when you are truly permitted to use the word. He discusses your mission in life under Christ and through what I felt was very careful use of scripture, gives you "permission" (as it feels like to me) to walk away from relationships from time to time. Some relationships, as he describes and defines in light of scripture, really can be toxic TO YOU and some arguments are just flat out not worth having.
  
  I could talk endlessly about this book. I personally feel that it is a topic that needs to be addressed in Christian circles. Sometimes it really is absolutely necessary - and allowable - to walk away from another who has no interest in resolving conflict. Try as we may, sometimes we run into a person who desires to bring more harm to the table than health and being able to recognize and discern that individual and side step their arguments is an important tool in the Christian's belt.
  
  Frankly, I've wasted too much time on some individuals who clearly have no wish to see peace come about. On the contrary, these individuals have actively rampaged against health in the Body of Christ, tearing church bodies apart. They've manipulated and harmed and ruined reputations in an effort to promote themselves above all others. This book helped me narrowly define what makes a person "toxic" and gave me back the Christian liberty I am allowed, so that I may wave a peaceful goodbye and lay the conflict to rest. I can't fix everything - this I've known. But now I'm allowed to say that out loud without feeling like there's Something Yet To Do to fix what is beyond my power to fix.
  
  My life mission is more focused and clearer after completing this read. I'm at liberty to pursue Christ and what He would ask of me for the first time in my entire life which is why I cannot discount the importance of Christians reading this book! When you can see through the lense of scriptures that the rearview mirror not only *can* but *should* be used at times, it settles the mind back on the peace of Christ and that is gloriously liberating!
• 
  Rachel Moss

  As Christians when we have toxic people in our lives, whether that’s a spouse, friend, parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, or anyone else, we sometimes think if we just pray a little harder and say the right scriptures or say the right things then everything will be ok. No. Jesus, himself, walked away from toxic people during his time here on earth. We can too. Gary Thomas shares real stories of people who dealt with all kinds of toxic relationships and difficult relationships. Not all relationships are toxic but in this book you see how to discern whether your relationship (whichever it is) is toxic or just very difficult. You’ll learn when to walk away.
  
  
  I received a pdf copy of the book for a review. All opinions are my own.
• 
  Robert Sutherland

  This book is dynamite. If used correctly, it can blast immovable mountains out of the way and clear a path to new highways of freedom. But misapplied, it can bring injury and destruction.
  
  I love Gary Thomas's works having read and learned from several. This one made me very uncomfortable. I don't think anything he wrote was wrong. I see danger in the potential for misapplication. He methodically lays out his case for walking away from toxic people based on the example of Jesus and the framework of scripture as a whole.
  
  The premise of the book is to walk away from toxic people and invest in reliable people because Jesus did. He correctly writes that some 40 times Jesus walks away or sends people away in scripture and gives the references in the appendix. Reading the references, most of the incidents are not walking away from toxic people, it's just getting away from the crowd. Most of the walking away from toxic people are religious leaders plotting to kill him. There are a handful of incidents where he does walk away, but some of those were because he was asked to.
  
  I don't think his conclusions are wrong or misapplied, just the scriptural case overstated. In fact, I think the book can be extremely helpful if readers are able to correctly identify, label, and Biblically respond to toxic people.
  
  This is a solid and helpful read for pastoral counselors. For the average reader, and especially one who may be in or think they are in a toxic relationship, my advice is to read it but, like dynamite, handle it with extreme care.
• 
  Melissa

  While reading the book, I kept thinking to myself that I should probably read this book at least once a year! As someone who wants to get along with everyone, I find it difficult when coming up against a toxic person who won’t have a healthy relationship with me no matter how hard I try. This book encouraged me to transfer my focus off the one or few individuals who are toxic, and onto the healthy relationships in my life that will benefit from and be receptive to my friendship. It’s so easy to put all your focus on toxic people, but this book argues that this is not the tactic Jesus used. He did not allow the toxic individuals or powers in his life to take all his focus and keep him from living out his life’s mission.
• 
  Jon Cheek

  There's a lot of good wisdom in this book. For the most part, it is based on biblical teaching, and the focus is on helping people focus more intentionally on seeking the kingdom of God.
  
  A couple of concerns:
  1. I don't agree with some of his comments about divorce.
  2. I am uncomfortable with the use of the word "toxic" in describing people. I know what Thomas is saying, and I agree that such people exist and are problematic. I fear that too many readers may become too free in labeling all behavior they don't like as "toxic." Again, I think Thomas explains his mindset well. "Toxic," though, for many people may be a term that is too general and may get thrown around too loosely by readers.
• 
  Amanda

  This book is so good and so desperately needed. Truly toxic relationships are painful and difficult, and there are very few resources for learning how to deal with them in a Christlike way. This book brought so much peace and healing for me regarding difficult decisions I’ve had to make in own life when it comes to toxic relationships. Every Christian needs to read this.
• 
  Jenelle Hovde

  Practical advise for those within and outside of ministry. I appreciate the concept of discerning between difficult versus truly toxic people. Worth the read.
• 
  Lisa Jacobson

  Basically, I think everyone should read this book. So clear, careful, and helpful! I wish I could’ve read it 20 years ago. Highly recommended!
• 
  Alicia Fannin

  This book is powerful. Honestly, every book I’ve read by Gary Thomas has blew me away but especially this one.
  
  This book will:
  -Help you realize toxicity for what it is and why it’s ok to call it what it is!
  -Help you discern if you’re truly dealing with a toxic person or if it’s just a person with some difficult traits
  -Show you so many examples of how Jesus dealt with toxicity that you’ve probably missed before. (I know I had.)
  -Teach you why it’s ok to cut out toxic people from your life and the steps to take to do that.
  
  The basic & beautiful message of this book is to help you move on and not let toxic people distract you from the work God has for you here on earth & the holy purpose God destined you for.
  
  This helped me in so many areas of my life… not that every area of my life has a toxic person in it but it just had very good overall advice for boundaries in all sorts of relationships. There is also an important call to check yourself to make sure you yourself aren’t displaying toxicity 💜. A must read!!!!!
  
• 
  Gia MarajaLove

  I didn't expect to end up giving this book five stars.
  
  For a long while (through almost half the book), I had the impression, by the way Gary Thomas phrased things, that he was suggesting giving up on people who he chose to refer to as "toxic," a suggestion to which my self-righteous self reacted with an indignant, "What?! Never." As if my walking away from a relationship would be the end of their hope of accepting the gospel. (A proud, scabbish idea I wish I didn't still carry around in my mind.)
  
  It took getting halfway through the book to realize... I was totally right. He was suggesting giving up. Not giving up as in losing hope. We never have reason to do that. But giving up on the idea that I, Gia, must be the instrument by which this/that person comes to abandon their toxicity and turn to freedom in Christ.
  
  God having clarified that no, that's not what Gary is saying, just simmer down a little bit, I read on. And I found I'd indeed been too impatient (who woulda thunk), and if I'd just allowed Thomas the time to come full-circle about the topic in his later chapters, I could've saved myself a lot of inner dialogue with him, and maybe actually heard what he was trying to say: People in general are difficult people, but while the effects of sin still permeate our relationships with them to some degree (and will continue to, until the other side of eternity), there's great hope of reconciliation with them through a mutual sanctifying, and difficult people (Thomas's phrasing) don't "murder our God-given missions." Interactions with toxic individuals, however, are a different situation entirely. While difficult people may distract or causing stumbling, those who live in toxicity seek to murder. They murder the joy, purpose, and mission that God has laid out for us. They come, like the enemy, to kill and to destroy-- to destroy anything from faith to mental and physical health. And if we don't recognize this tool of the enemy, he may get a foothold on our hearts that (rightly) want to emulate Jesus's gentleness, but (wrongly) forget the part about Jesus kicking the dust from his feet.
  
  As the book progressed and Thomas dove into specific topics within dealing with toxic people, his over-arching theme of "Don't let toxic individuals slow or kill your God-given mission" grew in clarity and importance in my mind. He broke his message down and explained its validity using Scripture and other real-life stories of individuals who'd wielded the freedom of Christ in order to leave unhealthy, unproductive-for-the-kingdom environments. This book (though it seemed so at the beginning), was not a call to give up hope on people, but rather a challenge to be so guided by the Spirit and so kingdom-focused that we can discern when it would just be best to walk away from someone, and to let another believer come along and water the seeds we tried to plant.
  
  I did not mean for this to go on this long. But you read it, and if this book taught me anything, it's that I can't control your actions! So I hope it at least helped or inspired.
• 
  Kristi

  I listened to the audio version of this book. I found it very engaging, honest, and on point with its topics. I would like to get a physical copy for my personal library. I can see reading it again and taking notes when I do.
  I want to add that this is based on Christian values and refers to scripture a lot along with the life of Jesus. I really appreciated that and is one of the main reasons I want a physical copy for myself. As someone who has had to walk away from toxic people, this book helped put into words the feelings and emotions I've felt in the past.
  
  Rating: G
  Language: clean
  Recommend: absolutely!
• 
  Andi M Hogan

  WOW. This is a fantastic book. Hard to read at times due to the reality of toxicity in this world. But I wish I had read this 20 years ago. I aim to buy a paper copy and refer to it often. Very, very good book.
• 
  elora

  I can appreciate Thomas' desire to have people freed from 'toxicity' or 'toxic people' or even our own 'toxic self.' There was quite a bit of insight and knowledge gleaned from this little book which shall be helpful in relationships/friendships/family. Such things including, but not limited to: not allowing controlling people to continue to manipulate you; finding the key signs of people who only want to hurt you; learning that walking away from someone is not defeat.
  
  That being said, in all other aspects of this book I really struggled. Thomas' desire to prove his point biblically went to sometimes frightening overstatements. This is not true in all cases, but in many cases it was. It is unnerving when someone has a very poor hermeneutic, leaving the original context of the surrounding scripture completely out just to prove a point. All scripture has one meaning, although there can be many implications to a passage. This i understand, however I found that Mr Thomas would take scripture verses out of context and give a whole new meaning. This unfortunately robs the passage of its original meaning and weight, and, in my opinion, is poor care of Holy Scripture. One should not have to take a verse and turn the meaning completely on its head to prove a point.
  
  The other issue I had with Thomas was in a sermon he did on this subject. He said something along the lines of, "We don't need to know more of God. We need to just take what we know and love people. That is what we are here for: to love people better and to share the love of God with them." While I agree partly with his statement, I have grave concerns. A lot of his material felt very "moralistic therapeutic deism"-esk. This is terribly concerning, as eternal life is to know God (John 17:3), not ourselves, better. The best way for us to love our neighbors as ourselves is to first know God intimately, for God is love and who can teach us to love other than God Himself "who loved us and gave Himself for us"? We cannot, nor should not, try to love others by pulling up our boot straps and trying harder. That is a feel good religion devoid of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and will only leave a poor soul empty and frustrated that they cannot will within themselves to just keep loving. God must, through the constant looking to the Gosepl, teach us what love is and through His Holy Spirit within us move us to love Him better, therefore allowing us to love others better. Knowledge of God is vital and should be one of the main concerns for the Christian's life. We should always strive to know the Holy God which we call our Father ever better and deeper. To say otherwise is unsettling to me.
  
  This being said, I think some of the points Thomas brings up are important to talk about and are areas that need light shed upon. I just wish that Thomas had taken greater care of proving his point without feeling like he was handling scripture poorly. I would simply be careful in the handling of this book, especially in regards to Thomas' poor hermeneutic of scripture. Take the insights he provides and, as we should with all things, carefully compare it with scripture, and ask the Lord for wisdom to apply it accordingly.
  
  Thanks for coming to my TedTalk 😋
• 
  Sarah

  Anything Gary Thomas writes, I’m reading. His research combined with powerful truths always hooks me. His newest book may be my favorite one yet. He uses Scripture to deliver helpful and healing advice that may sound different from anything you’ve heard before.
  
  Gary Thomas says that he quotes Scripture more in this book than he has done in any other that he has written. I’m glad he did. He gave me brand-new insights into how Jesus dealt with toxic people. For example, Gary writes that Jesus delivered some of his most powerful teachings after Judas left the group the night before Jesus was crucified. The toxic person’s discharge made way for truth that was not deliverable up to that point. This insight, along with many others in the book, is helping me ask myself, “What am I missing out on from God by staying in toxic relationships?”
  
  He tells us that he wasted 30 years of his ministry believing that standing up to toxic people was wrong. I have wasted many years of my life doing the same, and perhaps you have as well. Gary skillfully tells us how to become free from toxic people, using key scriptures and real-life examples from clients to teach us how. This is an invaluable resource if you are unsure about what to do with a destructive relationship in your family, friendships, workplace, or church. When to Walk Away is on my shortlist of my favorite books of 2019–it is really that good.
  
  I purchased an Audible version of When to Walk Away on Amazon.
• 
  Scott Kedersha

  I'm a big fan of everything Thomas writes, and When to Walk Away is no exception. His marriage books have had a big impact on me and my marriage and in the ways I've helped counsel others. His new book When to Walk Away is a departure from his marriage work, but is a very unique, insightful book about how to care for and engage with others. Sometimes we just need to walk away and Thomas helps the reader understand when to engage and when to walk away.
• 
  Jennifer V.

  SPEED walking away from toxic and toward a renewed mind, spiritual health, focused service, and defined boundaries.
• 
  Gina

  Like most people, I know of Gary Thomas through his books on marriage. As a sociologist who specializes in marriage and family, those are the only books I gift to Christian couples who are about to get married or who just have gotten married. I generally scoff at self-help in any form, but find Thomas' perspective and sound theology helpful in my own marriage and want to share that with others. This book steps away from his usual marriage focus, although there are chapters specific to marriage and family relationships, to explore the theological basis of some of our false Christian assumptions about forgiveness or "turning the other cheek" and what the Bible really says about those and other behaviors when dealing with toxic relationships.
  Thomas makes it clear throughout the book that he isn't a psychologist or psychiatrist. This book won't help you diagnose your spouse, boss, mother-in-law, etc. in any way. He uses his extensive experience as a education pastor and marriage counselor to give sound advice on recognizing when a relationship has turned toxic, how we can recognize toxic behavior in ourselves, and theologically sound advice on how to handle both - including when it is best to walk away.
  Although there is a lot of great advice for anyone in this book, I don't think it would translate well to secular readers. (This obviously isn't Thomas' goal, but it should be noted.) It is theologically heavy and uses some Christian concepts in an assumed understood way. While I appreciated the breadth of topics covered, I was left wanting in some areas for even more information or depth. This is a great overview book, but feel some of the points he made needed additional exploration. For example, the chapter on family relationships (about 10 pages total) covered, parent/child, sibling, child/parent, in-laws, extended family and more. There's a lot of hard, though-provoking truths in that chapter, but that's a lot to process in a short section.
  Highly recommend!
• 
  Becky

  This was a "surprising" book for me, in many ways. I've always felt that the advice to walk away from toxic people was largely unbiblical. I mean, we're called to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek.
  
  So when I was given this book by someone seeking to encourage me because I'd had to walk away from a toxic ministry situation, I was skeptical. And yet, I trusted the person who gave it to me, and I have also really appreciated Gary Thomas' book "Cherish. I was willing to read it, yet not certain I'd find it helpful, nor be able to agree on much.
  
  I was surprised to have my eyes opened to how often Jesus walked away or allowed others to walk away! And from there, I was hooked.
  
  Read it! See for yourself if it's balanced and Biblical and freeing. Freeing for ministry, for investing in "reliable" people. Not freedom for the sake of self protection or selfishness!
• 
  Sherry Elmer

  I loved this book and highly recommend it to anyone who has to work with, live with, or associate with a toxic person. It is especially gratifying that it comes from Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage. It is a much-needed remedy for anyone who read that book and from it drew the conclusion that they should be grateful for an abusive marriage because marriage helps to make us holy.
• 
  Sandie

  I wish I had read this book decades ago! There are plenty of books out there on how to deal with people who are toxic. What sets this book apart from the rest is that it is backed by Scripture. You don't have to have a psychology degree to diagnose anyone. When to Walk Away explains how to spot a toxic person, how and why you should rid yourself of a toxic person, and releases you from the guilt and shame that toxic people try to put on you for not performing up to their expectations and needs for control. Each chapter presented a situation I had been in, and of course, could have helped myself out of if I had this information back then.
  
  I signed up to pre-read this book before it's release date and I pre-ordered it. I can't wait to read it again so I can highlight to keep for reference.
• 
  Alyssa Yoder

  I feel like I cannot recommend this book enough. Comprehensive, nuanced, balanced, biblically-based treatise on how to handle both difficult and toxic relationships (including your relationship with yourself) and how to distinguish between the two. I did not agree with 100%, but pretty close. Plus, Gary Thomas can write.
• 
  Melanie

  When to Walk Away was a very good nonfiction read. I finished the book and took away several important things. I liked how it went into detail about several ways people can behave in toxic ways and that it also contained stories to showcase ways in which people may act.
  
  It was a good read. I recommend it.
• 
  Calla Summerlin

  Excellent, excellent book!
• 
  David Pulliam

  Really helpful book. I appreciate his distinction between playing spiritual defense and offense, that Christian’s often don’t know how to play defense even though Jesus did it all the time.
  
  I also found his discussion of how to respond to toxic people extremely helpful, that we need to be grounded in the mission God has given us and when people pull us away from that mission we need to walk away from them.
  
  Finally, I was most stuck how easy it is to become a toxic person, and that we are all close to being toxic ourselves.
• 
  Elizabeth Brown

  Hands down one of the most helpful books I've ever read. This book is not an excuse to walk away from difficult people, but instead shows how pouring time and energy into toxic people and relationships (different than difficult) can keep us from being effective in whatever ministry God has placed us in. Full of Biblical insight, this compelling argument would be helpful for any believer, whether you are currently in a toxic relationship or not. This book covers so much. Work relationships, marriage relationships, family relationships and the danger of our being toxic to ourselves or others. I cannot recommend this book enough and will probably be buying a paper copy since my kindle one is full of highlights.