| Title | : | Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 0981548709 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9780981548708 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 402 |
| Publication | : | First published August 31, 2008 |
Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Reviews
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Validation for those of us saying it's not me, it's you. This book gave me the answers I was seeking through words and real-life scenarios that rang so true I thought they were taken as direct examples from my life.
I read this book because I knew the issues with my loved one didn't stem from the common diagnoses like depression, anxiety, or stress. The sense of relief I felt after reading just a few chapters was so overwhelming, I finally had an answer. For me, the answer was so clear, I saw ADHD in action in directly relatable ways; there is no longer any room for doubt that it might be me, or it might be this or that.
I have read other adult ADHD books but never really got much out of them; I was still left with doubts. The overarching best feature of this book is that it doesn't just list the general characteristics but provides a specific example of how that sign or symptom might exhibit in everyday life.
I recommend reading this if someone in your life shows signs of depression, anxiety, and stress, yet none of those singly or together fully explain or define their behaviors, actions, or thought patterns. Your loved one may or may not have ADHD, but you will come away with improved clarity and a more optimistic outlook that you too will find your answers. -
I'm the one with ADHD, not my boyfriend. And I wouldn't have a boyfriend without this book.
If you have ADHD, this is THE BEST book to read first. Lots of books talk about medication or therapy, but they never warn you that lots of therapists are screwed up in their understanding of ADHD and how to find therapists that DO get ADHD. Same with medication. This book lays it out: if you're gonna take meds, here's how to approach it the right way, so you don't get bummed out by the side effects. If you're going to shell out money to see a therapist, make sure that therapist understands ADHD, or be prepared to have things get worse in a hurry.
Some parts of it aren't easy to read (as in "the truth hurts"), but overall the author really "gets" ADHD and does a great job of building bridges between people with ADHD and those who don't have it. The book is also good for couples where both people have ADHD, because I actually think my boyfriend has some ADHD, but while I'm the hyper type, he's the laid-back type.
I asked my therapist to get a copy, because even though she knows a fair bit about ADHD, mostly I know more than her after reading Is It You, Me, or ADD? GREAT BOOK!!!! -
Oh my heavens. If you're married to someone with ADHD, BUY THIS BOOK!!!!! It is so validating! It's changing my life! I finally have hope again, and I'm not even finished reading. This book is so right on - with both sides: the person WITH, and the person WITHOUT, ADHD.
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. If there's someone close to you (particularly an adult) with ADHD, this book will EMPOWER you more than you can comprehend. -
NOTE: this is a slightly abridged version from my own site, which focuses on creative and/or gifted adults with ADHD. You can read the full story and other reviews at
www.jaclynpaul.com
If you don't read the whole review, know this: Stopping the Roller Coaster is an absolute must for anyone in a long-term relationship where one or more partners have ADHD.
When I was in art school, a professor I respected deeply warned us that as artists, having a marriage fall apart was going to be more likely for us than for regular folk.
Why? That singular dedication and drive, that chaos, that unwillingness or even inability to prioritize our spouses and our practical responsibilities over our work, which we might get wrapped up in for days or weeks. We may not come to bed until 3:00 a.m. We may not pay the bills on time or remember to pick up the dry cleaning before a formal gala. We may appear not to care about anything or anyone when we are working.
That sounds an awful lot like ADHD, which affects a great deal of intense creative thinkers. In fact, my husband -- a computer programmer, which is a cousin to artist -- fits this description exactly.
When I read this book, I gave it to him immediately, saying, "this is a book about us." He now credits Stopping the Roller Coaster with changing his entire perspective on life.
Stopping the Roller Coaster focuses not just on obvious task completion problems associated with ADHD, but the oft-overlooked range of executive functioning deficiencies that create serious relationship schisms and render typical couples' therapy and communication/conflict resolution strategies ineffective, including:
* Listening -- really listening -- to your partner and comprehending what they've told you
* Empathy
* Seeing a situation from your partner's perspective
* Comprehending cause and effect, including the impact your behavior has on your partner
* Emotional regulation, biploar behavior, and/or heightened emotional responses to everyday situations
* Handling adult responsibilities and being reliable when your partner needs you
Pera also hits on the surprising manifestations of hyperactivity and in attentiveness in adults:
* Hyperfocus -- getting absorbed in a project to the exclusion of anything (or anyone) else
* High-risk behavior, including substance abuse and aggressive driving
* Picking fights, then blaming your partner for becoming upset as a result of the conflict
* Blurting out private or inappropriate information about your partner in social settings
* Insatiability and an inability to feel satisfied with anything (or anyone) in your life
The extensive research and real-life anecdotes open the door for couples to see clearly and begin to make sense of the ADHD partner's "confusing ups and downs of selfishness and generosity, irritability and sweetness, brilliance and boneheadedness."
For many readers, Pera's research will bring together disparate pieces they never knew belonged to the same puzzle. For those with unrecognized/undiagnosed ADHD, it will be a revelation. My husband responded after the first few chapters that he couldn't believe everything he "didn't like about [himself]" had a common root and could be changed with proper strategies and medication.
For that sense of hope alone, I recommend this book for any adult who is consistently late, has trouble thinking before speaking, misses deadlines constantly, and struggles to manage long-term intimate relationships. Often these people know they are not reaching their full potential but feel powerless to get their lives under control. Because they are perfectly capable of focusing -- hyperfocusing, even -- on things that deeply interest them, their partners and colleagues come to the sensible but wholly incorrect conclusion that they just don't care.
Pera also concisely debunks the idea that such mental disorders are a "gift" and stresses that our "strengths are independent of [our] ADHD" and, in fact, the "ADHD fog can obscure the best of qualities." Treating these disorders doesn't remove our capacity for innovation and brilliance. Quite the contrary: it frees us from our feelings of helplessness and lack of control.
Many readers may find the consistent roller coaster metaphor helps them string together concepts expressed throughout the book. I found it tedious and distracting because I prefer to delve straight into theories and statistics. However, my distaste for the visual metaphor was by far my biggest criticism, and I suspect Stopping the Roller Coaster has saved more than a few marriages. I had no idea how lucky we were until I read all those other couples' stories!
There is an audio book version available, which I purchased for my husband because he prefers to read books that way. If you are an audio book fan, be warned: he found the narrator a bit too "frowny" during the anecdotes and examples of ADHD partners' bad behavior, which undermined the spirit of the text. That said, if you feel you or your partner will only read the book in this format, it's still well worth the investment. Personally, I preferred the Kindle edition so I could make copious notes, bookmarks, and highlights that would be sortable and searchable later.
All in all, Stopping the Roller Coaster combines just enough science for the lay reader with a wealth of real-life stories from people in long-term relationships with an ADHD partner. It can feel disorienting to read so many stories you thought were unique to you, your marriage, or your partner, but the end result is hope: hope that you can be successful in all aspects of life, hope that this is not the price you pay for talent and creativity, hope that you can reduce the baseline of anxiety and frustration in your home, and hope that you can take control of your life in a way you never thought possible. -
For the moment I have to stop reading this book since it's actually making me very depressed.
Based on the reaction some people have to negative reviews of this book on other parts of the internet I'm cautious to be honest about my feelings, but I have to say that I found this book very hard to get through because it is very damning of the ADHD person. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why and the author says herself that the person with ADHD won't necessarily have all these traits nor do I recall her blaming the person and saying that it's a personal choice, but it is beyond demoralizing to be told repeatedly how terrible you are.
It's funny that one of the traits cited for Adult ADHD is low self esteem and yet the people (with ADHD) depicted in these personal accounts seem to be lacking the most basic sense of shame, or if they do, it doesn't seem to be presented that way. Instead we are treated to a series of one-dimensional, self-absorbed, out-of-control rageaholics who seem completely incapable of even the slightest bit of empathy. And it's important to acknowledge that for some people this may be very true, that the person in their life afflicted with ADHD may indeed be all of these things and more, but it seems that each and every example presents an ADHD person this way as if we were all interchangeable.
To be honest, I think my father suffers undiagnosed ADHD and is very similar to the person described within this book. But I too believe I have ADHD and while I have some very undesirable traits that I can only thank my wife for being so good to put up with, I am not as terrible as this book makes me feel. I just know I'm not, which maybe to some sounds like an ADHD person denying their responsibility and refusing to acknowledge their destructive tendencies, but I am aware of my shortcomings, I am in both couples and single therapy, I am being tested as far as testing can go for ADHD, and as soon as the diagnosis is confirmed I will begin medication along with behavioral therapy. I very sincerely want to get better, I want to be a better wife, a better friend, someone I am proud of when I look in the mirror.
I don't think all the current literature that espouses the virtues of ADHD is any better, mind, because there are some serious drawbacks in both personal life and in the lives of those they interact with, but I would like more than anything is a book that neither treats me like a special, gifted snowflake with a unique brain or a book that lists every terrible trait that comes with ADHD and how it has essentially ruined the lives of everyone around them. I guess I want a balanced view, one that acknowledges the feelings of both parties instead of claiming to acknowledge both sides and representing (either one!) exclusively.
Also, before anyone responds with "This is a guide for the partner, not the person with ADHD" there are several prominent researchers in the ADHD field that recommend this book not only to spouses, but to the ADHD partner and even more personal accounts from people with ADHD and without that recommend it for them as well.
Another note if anyone does read this review and wonders how far I read before stopping and casting judgement, I got up to Chapter 10: Third Plunge: Breaking Down In Illness-Or Through to Truth which is pg 131. This also doesn't mean I will never continue and maybe when I'm on medication I will be better able to assimilate the information without feeling hurt. I still also plan to have my spouse read this since she no doubt will find it more illuminating than I. -
That was depressing. Basically "If you have adult AD/HD you're an emotionally stunted person who alienates everyone. Your only hope to help us tolerate you is medication and a therapy human." No thanks.
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This review gets closer to a 3.5 than a 3, but that’s not an option!
As someone with ADHD, this book wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for; despite the fact that it specifically states it’s for partners of those with ADHD, I was hoping based on some of the reviews to get a little more personally out of it than I did. But considering the author herself describes it as a “support group in a book” for people who have partners with ADHD, it definitely meets this goal.
What I got out of the book personally: the author presents tons of evidence that ADHD is a “real” thing, not just brought about by the pharmaceutical industry to make a quick buck. She also points out how truly devastating it can be for people, and how helpful medication can be. It helped me realize that some of my problems I thought couldn’t be caused by something as simple as ADHD could definitely be caused by ADHD.
Many complained that the book showed people with ADHD in an extremely negative light. I had mixed feelings on this myself after finishing the book – on one hand, since this is indeed mainly a result of the author’s support group meetings, it would make sense that the stories she hears are more extreme than what might happen in other ADHD households. Also, the stories were generally about males with ADHD. The author DOES explain why women with ADHD partners are more likely to go to support groups than men with ADHD partners—however, this was almost exactly why I am hesitant to hand this book off to my boyfriend. ADD/ADHD manifests itself differently in men than in women, and I feel like this book might make him want to run for the hills. The book also has a bias towards people trying to convince their partner that they actually HAVE ADHD; while Pera acknowledges that medication can help a great deal but doesn’t solve all problems, nearly all success stories stop immediately after the partner starts getting medicated. There is very limited information on what happens after ADHD starts to be treated, other than those in the support group saying, “Bob is on medication now and he’s so much easier to live with, even though he still can’t find his keys sometimes!” While I imagine most of the challenges come before ADHD is treated, I’d be interested to know what can be done after, when things still aren’t perfect. -
Written for partners of p/w (people with) AD/HD, by an award-winning journalist whose husband has AD/HD, Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? describes AD/HD symptoms; thoroughly explains AD/HD based on current brain research; communicates with anecdotes how AD/HD symptoms practically manifest in real life and their devastating and frequently annihilating impact on relationships; and provides success strategies for partners of p/w AD/HD for self-care, supporting their AD/HD partners in obtaining treatment, finding effective therapy for both parties and understanding the role of medication in managing AD/HD.
Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? is filled with factual information that helps one understand that the behaviors manifested by partners with AD/HD that appear selfish, childish, lazy, willfully incompetent, etc., most likely have an organic origin in their partner's brain and are not necessarily character issues or a reflection of how little their AD/HD partners love them. Describing the impacts of untreated AD/HD on relationships, very frequently accompanied by corollary challenges like substance and junk food abuse, emotional irritability, clinical anxiety, clinical depression and more, Ms. Pera also emphasizes repeatedly the necessity of successfully addressing the AD/HD before addressing the damaged relationship itself. Of exceptional usefulness is guidance Ms. Pera provides in the type of therapeutic modalities that are most effective and appropriate for you, your partner with AD/HD, and together, as well as how to gauge the competence of mental health professionals in AD/HD issues. Surprisingly, given the number of people having AD/HD, the mental health profession is apparently behind the curve in its understanding of, ability to correctly diagnose, and successfully treat AD/HD. If you end up with a well meaning dud, your relationship can get worse with bad advice rather than better.
Some of the guidance offered may seem to continue the same, exploitative practices that embitter partners of p/w AD/HD, such as taking responsibility to urge AD/HD partners to obtain an accurate diagnosis and treatment, or seeking appropriate therapists. It merely continues the reality that AD/HD becomes the burden and responsibility of the partner NOT having AD/HD, while the person WITH AD/HD continues on his/her merry way..."hyperfocusing" on something more fun--just like a child. However, getting your sick--and it can't be overemphasized that AD/HD is a medical condition--partner help IS the first step to self-care and, hopefully, repairing or saving your damaged relationship.
I really appreciated the hope that Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? provides partners of p/w AD/HD that, with hard work and commitment of both parties, one doesn't have to be condemned to the life-sucking role of their partner's caretaker, at the expense of one's own dreams and desires. And, it also provides hope that one's AD/HD partner isn't condemned to a life of failure and judgment.
I further appreciate that this book doesn't admonish partners of p/w AD/HD to "appreciate differences" or see AD/HD as "a gift." AD/HD is no gift when, as depicted in the book, your finances are in a chaotic state of disaster, you run the constant risk of car accidents because of your partner's "distracted" driving, you function as your partner's caretaker and maid, you live in a home that is the cause of humiliation because AD/HD is your interior designer, your partner's employment history is unstable, or you become subject to verbal and emotional abuse because of AD/HD corollaries.
Gina Pera's ,Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? is an invaluable tool for partners who love their p/w AD/HD life companions and are willing to fight for what is best for both of them. -
I'm ADHD myself and got this book as I thought I'd find ways my partner and I could accommodate each other better. All I can say is yikes... Please don't talk about ADHD like it's separate from me as a person or something you wish there was "cure" for, there isn't one and it is my belief that there shouldn't be. I have come to love who I am and see my ADHD as me. I don't think see it as my "superpower" but I also don't see it as a "fatal flaw" as I don't draw comparisons with it to fatal illnesses. I use treatments like therapy and medication as a tools for managing the difficulties that come with my ADHD differences. I found the book's ADHD equivalences to cancer, strokes, and brain "glitches" at the least troubling and at most borderline eugenics speak. The tone of this book reminded me of autism speaks and the way some parents of Autistic children will see themselves as victims of Autism. This book chooses to speak and advise in terms of burden and shame as opposed to learning to destigmatize by fostering relationships built on mutual communication and acceptance. Reading these ancedotes and the way the relationship issues were all accredited to ADHD came off as reductive and problematic to me.
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This is a critical must read for people who are in a relationship with someone with adult ADD. Takes a technical approach to answering some of the most difficult questions, citing various journals and research case studies. The book includes references to other popular books on the subject and addresses common ADD partner issues such as "denial" and "losing identity during medical treatment."
Other approaches for the non-ADD partner to conflict resolution are included, like "hot spot" approaches, such as touching to gain attention before broaching a serious or important subject.
Recommended reading for Masters- Psychology, and highly recommended for studying MFT students. I will certainly use this reference in my practice to distinguish differences between Mars/Venus and ADD relationship issues.
I've also found it exceedingly helpful as a communication tool in my home life. -
Great one. A real eye opener for me. Thought I knew about ADD but I was totally ignorant to it. This book needs to be read by all couples.
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Changed my life
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Life-changing book. My son has ADD and I've long suspected my husband does too. I think I basically wept my way through this book (when I wasn't shouting "amen" or laughing). I am finally understanding why he does some of the things he does. Things that were painful to me were not intended that way. It's a critical piece of understanding him and working for a happier marriage. I wish I would have found this book 20 years ago. I feel like I'm a near expert on ADD in children (from my boy to my students) but had no idea how adult ADD (especially undiagnosed) manifests and what I can do to help my brilliant husband, who happens to have a brain that works totally different than mine! READ this if you have someone with ADD in your life, it was so validating and mind-opening.
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This is the first book I've found that deals with the problems of living with a partner who has and possibly refuses to admit s/he has ADHD. A must-read if you or someone you love is living with this condition.
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A must-read for anyone who thinks their spouse, parent, or other adult relative might have ADD or ADHD.
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If you are going to read a book about how to tackle, treat and improve your ADHD-ridden relationship, this is THE book!
Gina is competent in laying out the research done in adult ADHD and relationships as well as the overall improvement you can expect both in individuals and couples with the right medical treatment. With her own spouse being diagnosed and treated (however, that was not an easy task), she experienced this type of relationship firsthand.
The thing about relationships where one or both of the partners have ADHD is that it's not only your spouse having the problems - it's also the relationship, which suffer greatly!
She explains how you can convince a partner with undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD how to look into this and seek treatment, but without being disrespectful. This benefits both you and your partner. She also explains why it can be impossible for a partner to recognize his/her symptoms and acknowledge their condition.
There are countless statements and stories from various group members in her support groups (ADHD Rollercoaster) and it's both entertaining as well as offer hopes for those in relationships where one or both spouses have this diagnosis.
She offers numerous book titles from leading psychologists in the US, most of which are leading experts within their field - among them Russel Barkley, author of several books about ADHD in adults.
Where she and Melissa Orlov (adhdmarriage.com) differs, lies in the scientific approach which Gina takes - and not in a bad way.
Also, Gina spread out the multitude of various ADHD traits but without the "learn to meditate and turning the other cheek" as a way of handling your marriage.
Instead she describes the science behind the traits.
One other thing I really liked about this book is the gender equality of treatment and case studies. Both men and women suffer from this condition, and there are countless ways they differ gender-wise. In this book we learn about both the subtle signs of ADHD as well as the more obvious.
Last but not least we learn more about the different treatment options from a psychological perspective, and it rang too close to home when she explained why traditional therapy with reliving difficult feelings from the past can make matters much worse. Instead cognitive behavioural therapy is the best way of treating ADHD emotionally.
But many therapists doesn't know enough about this condition, and so there tips for how to find a good and competent ADHD coach/therapist, both for individuals and the ADHD couple.
I can't recommend it enough! -
Some valuable content in the latter half, but the first half is pointless ranting. If you bough the book, you probably already know that ADHD is hard on relationships. You are probably looking for strategies to make it less hard. That comes eventually, but most of the book is testimonials of ADHD making life miserable.
If you are trying to work your way through DABDA, this book might be an aid. It will certainly dropkick you out of denial! The anger and depression bit, which is the bulk of the book goes on much longer than necessary. -
I purchased about 5 books on adult ADHD and this one has been the most successful in keeping my attention haha it's very informative and has great ideas.
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Deep breath...pretty enlightening. Might even say life changing.
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It was an eye-opener to the world of Adult ADD. I think this is an excellent resource for anyone with Adult ADD or anyone in a relationship with someone who has Adult ADD.
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I decided to read this book because I recently started dating someone with A.D.D. and wanted to learn if his behaviors (not paying attention, lateness, not hearing from him for weeks at a time) are part of his disorder or if he's "just not that into" me. This book provided a lot of information and, quite honestly, scared the crap out of me.
Some of the stories were quite horrific, such as fights, outbursts, financial ruin, and needing to act like your partner's parent. Aren't there any good stories to share?? The only positive thing that was said about having a partner with A.D.D. was that life will never be boring. Uhm...I'll take a boring life over a lifetime of walking on eggshells and bankruptcy, thank you very much!
Although this book did provide some insight into the world of A.D.D., which will allow me to have more patience and sympathy, it was not really the book for a brand new courtship. Most of these stories are about long-term relationships and marriages, but at least I have a better reference for certain issues and also feel comfortable discussing them with my guy. I'm just not so sure that having a relationship with an A.D.D. person will be the right fit for me.
I suppose that if you're already in a relationship/marriage with someone who has undiagnosed A.D.D., this book would be a great support group for you and would help guide you through the emotional minefield. I'm just not in that situation and, although I've read that most relationships with A.D.D. effected people don't get off the ground very easily, there aren't a lot of reading materials out there to help. -
A very good friend's therapist recently told her, that it's very possible that she has adult ADHD and another newer but very close friend I made got the diagnosis as a child, so I thought it would be good to read a book about it.
The book explains ADHD in adults, what the traits are, what it is exactly and what the consequences of undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD and bad coping strategies can look like, for the affected people and the partner/family. There are some tips for coping strategies, mut it's mostly a guideline for awareness and seeking therapy. It also dispels some myths about ADHD ("Just a kid's thing!" or "It's an invention of the drug industry to sell meds!").
The book is pro medication and it also explains the functions of the medication, the pros and contras and what exactly happens in the brain with the neurotransmitters if people decide to take their medication, how exactly it helps.
The book made me understand some things I wondered about for a long time and I am sure it will help me a lot to understand both of my friends better in the long term. As for the old friend; I see now where some of the problems, chaos and conflicts came from and I hope I can help her on her way to therapy. -
This book has the distinction of being informative and entertaining at the same time. I actually gave it to my husband to read first, since he is the one living with an adult with ADD, which this books focuses on. He dog-eared every other page, and ran a yellow highlighter through every third paragraph... "What'd you thiink?" I asked him. "I could've written that book!" was his answer.
As I read it, I found myself laughing aloud at the humorous anecdotes (Most of which I could comPLETEly relate to!) and mentally taking notes on coping skills and tips. A very good read for anyone dealing with ADD or dealing with people with ADD. -
I only read about 65% of this before I had to return it to the library but this book seemed to really paint people with ADD in a bad light. I started reading it because my partner thinks he may have ADD and I wanted to equip myself with problem solving skills but I don't hate my partner like the people in this book seem to. Maybe this book just isn't for me since it seems to be geared towards those whose relationships are actively suffering from untreated ADD. I dunno. Not for me!
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This book is eye-opening , containing stunning information gathered over the past decades on the devastating effect that A.D.D. disorder can have on relationships. It explodes the myths and misunderstandings of A.D.D. and brings to light new information that can literally change lives !
Highly recommend it !! -
This book basically tells the Non-ADHD person to get treatment for their ADHD partner and highlights some examples of how ADHD impacts relationships, but does not really offer strategies to help reduce conflict. It would be better if there were examples on how to better manage the relationship with an ADHD partner.
