Washer Mouth: The Man Who Was a Washing Machine by Kevin L. Donihe

Washer Mouth: The Man Who Was a Washing Machine Reviews

• 
  Mandy

  This is the best book about a washing machine that I have ever read.
• 
  Kris Lugosi

  WASHER MOUTH: The Man Who Was A Washing Machine. With a title like that it's hard to think this book would be anything short of silly and ridiculous. I did not expect this book to be as...touching? Kevin Donihe mixed the innocence of the Brave Little Toaster with the ignorance and enlightening qualities of A Stranger in a Strange Land. This story felt very science fictiony to me with a bit of a soap opera element to it. I could not stop reading this book and could not stop rooting for the main character Roy who is every bit of an adorable, lovable, innocent character that mirrors Valentine Michael Smith in such a way that they could be brothers....if Valentine was a washing machine turned human instead of an alien of course.
  
  Meet Roy: The Washing Machine- Roy lives in a laundromat because he is a washing machine. And of course this is where they belong. Roy watches soap operas because he is lucky enough to be situated in front of the Laundromat's television where THE SOAP CHANNEL provides him with all he needs for his entertainment as a stationary washing machine. Roy's favorite soap opera is Sands of Eternity and Roy loves Helen Masterson, the lead character in his favorite soap. Roy fantasizes and pines over Helen and all he wants to do is meet her in person and be close to her, but Roy is only a washing machine. Roy loves being a washing machine. He loves being filled with customers clothes and doused in laundry detergent, and filling his cavity with water and swirling and washing and sloshing the garments about with him until they come out clean and stain free. I like the way the author details how it feels to wash clothes, he makes it sound almost orgasmic and ethereal and to Roy that is very much what it is. Roy isn't the only washing machine providing services here. He along with others live in the same Laundromat and are able to communicate via thought beams which is a kind of telepathic way for them speak to each other by letting them into their thoughts and shutting them out for personal space. The Elder is the oldest of the washing machines and becomes a sort of a guide (albeit a rather shitty guide) and he is the one that convinces Roy that he is the most qualified washer to make "the change" early and set out to do something great for man kind and washing machines alike! It is said that washing machines will become humans and aid man kind in their growth and evolutions and Roy is to set out first and learn what is to be done. Unlike the Elder, the Dark Washer disagrees. Other washers fear him and patrons of his services are less than satisfied. The Dark Washer hates man kind and spews oily gunk on their clothes destroying anything that enters him. He does not believe Roy is the one and quickly devises plans to take him down. Roy honestly has very little faith in himself to carry out a mission that has no direction or guide other than "you'll know it when the time comes" bullshit. When he realizes that becoming human could put him that much closer to meeting Helen Masterson, Roy agrees to become human and set the stage for other washers after him.
  
  Meet Roy: The Human Man- Roy's transformation is a success; in the sense that he survived and didn't die like possibly expected. The only thing is, how does a washing machine turned human man get along in Hollywood?? With some help from chance encounters with actors from Sands of Eternity, the author takes us through the trials and tribulations of being naive and lost in a world filled with backstabbers, takers, and drunks. It isn't long before Roy gets himself in trouble for being well...for being himself. With a mouth that can unhinge and suck the clothes off your very back for the purpose of cleaning them and saving you the money of a laundromat, Roy thinks this his mission and proceeds to demonstrate his skills on unsuspecting humans. This is not well received, and Roy is outcasted with no money or means to take care of himself. Samuel Goodson (an Ac-tor on the Sands of Eternity) takes Roy in after Roy quickly finds out that living with a drunk old lady stuck on her past vanity just isn't going to work out (that whole encounter is quite disturbing) and things take a turn for the....bizarre. Samuel is a collector of sorts and his collection is one of rare tastes. Roy becomes his freak amongst freaks and is introduced into his band of boy toy freak weirdos. People of varying deformities live with Samuel and are there for his every depraved, fucked up, desire which in bizarro fiction can get quite fucked up indeed. Despite the way he is being treated, Roy knows that living with Samuel gets him even more closer to getting to act alongside Helen Masterson and he does whatever he has to to ensure the encounter.
  
  Meanwhile the Dark Washer has made his change into human form and is out to destroy Roy by turning the other washers against him and using his own washing machine powers of spewing acidy gunk. I love the ignorence of the Dark Washer's actions. He is completely the embodiment of evil itself and yet has no idea that a gun will kill you and that a knife will make you bleed. These are words unknown to him and it's almost comical to see his confusion. With the Dark Washer on his trail and Roy's obsession with meeting Helen, will Roy ever complete the mission he is on? Will he even discover what the mission is? Will Roy finally meet Helen Masterson and live happily as a human? The ending of this book brings all these answers together in an incredibly awesome battle between washing machine and man. The epilogue was really great and it's been a while since I read a book with a perfect ending.
• 
  Mike Kleine

  I have to admit, WASHER MOUTH started off really slowly and I wasn't really enjoying the story, much less finding it all that credible until Roy underwent his initial transformation. In retrospect, I can now see how it might have been important to devote an entire 1/8 of the book to Roy's beginnings as a washing machine. Having read the back of the book, had I not known about Donihe or read any of his previous work, I still probably would have bought the book based entirely on the back description: "bukkake hair treatments... super powered superstars, snuff films... and a murderous washing machine."
  
  The thing about Donihe, he has the ability of taking something extremely ordinary to make it extraordinary. Who has ever sat down to think about the wash cycles of washing machines? Who hass ever imagined a way washers can communicate with each other? Better yet, who has ever attempted to tell the story of a "washing machine messiah?" Normally, a person with these thoughts might be seen as a deranged or slightly disturbed individual but Donihe is capable of transforming any crazy idea into a very interesting and credible read.
  
  I have the nasty habit of automatically spotting typos in the books I read and this one only had four. Most apparent was the sudden jump in page numbering toward the end and even the book jacket has a typo on the back. Regardless, none of these flaws take away from the fantastic story that is WASHER MOUTH. Roy is a washing machine, becomes human, realizes he needs to adapt rather quickly, meets deranged superstars, gets followed by a person known only as the DARK WASHER and gets tangled up in a twisted story of self-discovery and humanity. What more could one ask for? Well, one thing actually. I felt that the ending seemed a bit rushed and managed to sum things up all too conveniently. I would have maybe preferred a more fleshed out explanation of things and perhaps a further continuation of the closing chapter's events.
  
  But then again... Maybe I just need to give the ending some time, let it grow on me... Perhaps.
• 
  David Barbee

  Kevin Donihe’s “Washer Mouth” is sort of a spiritual successor to his previous bizarro novel “House of Houses”. Like that book, “Washer Mouth” is a fantastical romance, but with some twisted horror and social commentary mixed in. It’s about Roy, a washing machine sent to be the messiah for all washerkind. Roy knows more about the human world than the other washers (he has a view of the TV), making him the oddball of the Laundromat. But as a human himself, he’s terribly naïve, and gets taken advantage of by a world that’s out to exploit everybody. So how can a washing-machine-turned-human actually realize his dreams and find true love? Let Kevin Donihe show you the way.
  
  Roy isn’t very interested in his role as the herald of washerkind. He’d rather pursue his goal of meeting his favorite soap star. Like any far-fetched dream, Roy’s journey doesn’t go as planned. He begins making friends (term used loosely) with several actors from “Sands of Eternity,” which leads up to finally meeting Helen, his favorite soap star. All the while, the Dark Washer has also become human, and is out for Roy’s blood. He’s also turned the other washers against Roy, and as the Great Changeover nears, Roy’s fragile chance of achieving his dream is threatened by millions of naked washermen.
  
  On his quest for happiness, Roy is abused, taken advantage of, held prisoner, and humiliated. It’s all terribly uncomfortable and debasing, but Donihe plays it for laughs, and it works. I feel like “Washer Mouth” is meant to one day be a John Waters film. The weirdest things about it usually have nothing to do with Roy being a washing machine. The people he encounters are strange and dysfunctional. They’re usually overbearing oppressors or downtrodden victims. The human world here is defined by cruelty, and we see it through Roy’s innocent and confused eyes. “Washer Mouth” is a bizarro satire of soap operas and show business, and Donihe makes it sing.
  
• 
  Pedro Proença

  One of Donihe's best paced books. The action build-up in the end was really well executed, and the ending itself is great. It's kind of slow getting off the gates, but by the first third of the book, you're hooked. Great read, I highly recommend it.
• 
  Nicole Cushing

  Rated four stars rather than five only due to being a little slow out of the starting gate, this Donihe novel really starts humming in the middle half, and comes to a satisfying conclusion.
  
  I think Kevin excels at bizarro characterization. Many of his novels exhibit an expertise in crafting brilliantly absurd characters, and this one is no exception. In my opinion, one character -- a demented, sexually complex soap opera star named Samuel Goodson -- deserves to go into the Bizarro Hall of Fame as perhaps THE most evil character ever to show up in a Bizarro book.
  
  I know, that' saying quite a bit. But I think it's true. The man is despicable.
  
  I don't think this book is QUITE as good a read as HOUSE OF HOUSES, but it's still pretty strong. Highly recommended.
  
  
• 
  Casey Babb

  I think this is Donihe's most polished book. He has a way of making the entire story seem natural, rather than bizarre, despite whatever's going on. If House of Houses is the right direction, then Washer Mouth is the one that says "you can buy a Donihe book and not worry about being ripped off," which is what I'll be doing from now on.