Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way Reviews

• 
  Sara

  This is a good resource, for what it is - a 25 page booklet explaining how NVC applies to parenting. I wish it was longer, with a lot more examples, but I did like it and will likely read it several times.
• 
  Nate

  After reading this brief adaptation of nvc to parenting, I felt relieved, because I gained a better understanding of my role as a parent, and its not as burdensome as I previously thought. I now view my daughter as a human being first, not a child. As a result, I treat her with the respect and compassion that I hope that she would treat me.
• 
  Sarah Whitney

  "I'm not suggesting that we don't use words like ' child' as a shorthand way of letting people know we're talking about people of a certain age. I'm talking about when we allow labels like this to keep us from seeing the other person as a human being, in a way which leads us to dehumanize the other person because of the things our culture teaches us about 'children.'"
  
  "So strong is our need to protect our autonomy, that if we see that someone has this single-mindedness of purpose, if they are acting like they think that they know what's best for us and are not leaving it to us to make the choice of how we behave, it stimulates our resistance."
  
  "They taught me that any use of coercion on my part would invariably create resistance on their part, which could lead to an adversarial quality in the connection between us."
  
  "What do we want to child's reason to be for acting as we would like them to act? It's that question that helps us to see that punishment not only doesn't work, but it gets in the way of our children doing things for reasons that we would like them to do them."
  
  "I'd like to suggest that reward is just as coercive as punishment. In both cases we are using power over people, controlling the environment in a way that tries to force people to behave in ways that we like. In that respect reward comes out of the same mode of thinking as punishment."
  
  "All human beings, when they're in pain, need presence and empathy. They may want advice, but they want that after they've received the empathetic connection."
  
  "I've talked to a lot of other parents who have had similar experiences, who, when they are trying to relate in more human ways with their own children, instead of getting support, often get criticized. People can often mistake what I'm talking about as permissiveness of not giving children the direction they need, instead of understanding that it's a a different quality of direction. It's a direction that comes from two parties trusting each other, rather than one party forcing his or her authority on another."
  
  "When people hear demands, it looks to them as though our caring and respect and love are conditional. It looks as though we are only going to care for them as people when they do what we want."
  
  "To communicate this quality of unconditional love, respect, acceptance to other people, this doesn't mean we have to be permissive and give up our needs and values. What it requires is that we show people the same quality of respect when they don't do what we ask, as when they do."
  
  "So when might we sometimes have to use a form of force with our children? Well, the conditions calling for this would be when there isn't time to communicate, and the child's behavior might be injurious to themselves or other people. Or it could be that the person isn't willing to talk. So if a person isn't willing to talk, or there isn't time to talk, and meanwhile they are behaving in a way that is in conflict with one of our needs, such as a need to protect people, we might have to use force. But we have to see the difference between the protective and the punitive use of force. And one way that these two uses of force differ is in the thinking of the person who is engaging in the force."
  
  "One way of remembering the purpose of the protective use of force, is to see the difference between controlling the child, and controlling the environment. In punishment we're trying to control the child by making the child feel bad about what they've done, to create an internal shame, guilt or fear for what they have done. In the protective use of force, our intent is not to control the child; it's to control the environment."
  
  "So in closing I offer you that reassuring advice given to me by my daughter, that nobody's perfect, to remember that anything that's worth doing is worth doing poorly. And the job of parenting, of course, is extremely worth doing, but we're going to do it poorly at times. If we're going to be brutal with ourselves when we're not perfect parents, our children are going to suffer for that."
  
  "So the goal I would suggest is not to be perfect parents, it's to become progressively less stupid parents."
  
  
• 
  Joshua

  This is one of the very best parenting books I have read, and it's brevity makes it an excellent book to give away. I recommend this to every parent.
• 
  MizzSandie

  Every parent should get a copy of this book. No matter how old your kids are. We can all learn from this. And as Rosenberg says in the end, there are no perfect parents, and that is not the aim. The aim is simply to love more, communicate better, have more compassion for ourselves and others, especially as we are parenting - doing something so difficult (and society doesn’t make it any easier on us, or we parents on arch other), but also something so important and so valuable.
  And our children will learn as we learn. They will see us trying and slip, and try again, and hopefully their empathetic compassionate selves will be nurtured as we make the journey together.
  Thank you Rosenberg for your wisdom and your honesty.
• 
  Vlad GURDIGA

  Another booklet. It seemed a little too short: 21 pages of text, which is almost too short to give enough about the fundamental ideas of NVC. I hoped for more.
• 
  James S

  short read but full of impact and stories. definitely worth sharing with anyone that works with young people or really anyone that interacts with humans. will reference this in the future!
• 
  sleeps9hours

  A very short booklet, nice little intro to nonviolent communication and parenting. A good push to get me to read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
  
  Notes from the back:
  Some basic feelings we all have:
  When our needs are fulfilled: Amazed, confident, energetic, glad, inspired, joyous, optimistic, relieved, surprised, touched, comfortable, eager, fulfilled, hopeful, intrigued, moved, proud, stimulated, thankful, trustful.
  When our needs are not fulfilled: Angry, confused, disappointed, distressed, frustrated, hopeless, irritated, nervous, puzzled, sad, annoyed, concerned, discouraged, embarrassed, helpless, impatient, lonely, overwhelmed, reluctant, uncomfortable.
  
  Some basic needs we all have:
  Autonomy—choosing dreams/goals/values, choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
  Celebration—Celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled, celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
  Integrity—authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth
  Interdependence—acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, contribute to the enrichment of life, emotional safety, empathy, honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations), love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding
  Physical Nuturance—Air, food, movement, exercise, protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals, rest, sexual expression, shelter, touch, water
  Play—fun, laughter
  Spiritual communion—beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace
  
  
• 
  Sharon E.

  I wish I read this book a long time ago. I strongly recommend it to anyone with children.Actually,anyone-- especially daycare workers,juvenile probation officers,grandparents and schoolteachers--who interacts with children could benefit from reading this book. It is a totally new way of looking at things for me.I especially like what Marshall said about how the reward system is punitive, because we have been so conditioned to think our children are like dogs that will respond to our cheap and disappointing game of rewarding them being "good", punishing them for being "bad". This view makes parents what they ought to be anyway:responsible for communicating empathically with the young human beings they have the awesome charge of raising to be the next generation of parents, friends, citizens, lawmakers and professionals.
• 
  Andrew Gardner

  This is an excellent resource for parents that don't want to pursue the authoritarian model of parenting that is the norm in American parenting styles. Given that the topic is somewhat out of the mainstream, the language of non-violent communication hasn't had time to mature; sometimes the language is clunky or odd to my ear, but it never gets in the way of communicating meaning.
  
  I took away two points that I considered critically important: (1) children are people and we should speak with children using the same respectful language that we would use with adults; and, (2) the best way to deal with conflict is to describe a feeling, state a need, and make a request. The latter ensures that when parents speak with children, their requests seem less random and arbitrary.
• 
  Katie

  Great little book. I'm familiar with most of the stories related within from my previous NVC studies, however there were two new anecdotes I had not yet heard. For some reason I had wished it would be longer, although I know it really isn't necessary to elaborate any further. Keep it simple! O->F->N->R! I think the length also increases the likelihood that a busy parent will be able to actually read it.
• 
  Heather

  nice to re-read this short easy but great book full of reminders. One of the biggest reminders is how easy it is to treat a child different than an adult or other person, but they deserve the same respect as adults....we often will approach a situation differently with a child than we would the same situation with a neighbor.
• 
  Catherine Allibert

  Intégrité, honnêteté, respect, bienveillance... et humanité. Si le rôle de parents n'est pas toujours évident, ce petit livre nous rappelle qu'il est possible de communiquer autrement qu'en utilisant des punitions ou des récompenses. Ce livre permet une prise de conscience pour certains, une piqûre de rappel pour d'autres. À lire dans tous les cas !
• 
  Virginia

  I didn't realize this was a booklet vs an actual book so I was disappointed in both the brevity as well as depth. I will have to check out the actual book to see if it is any better.
  
  With that said, I did enjoy the stories and examples the author included.
• 
  Melissa

  This is a very short booklet that introduces the reader to non-violent communication through the parenting lens. It's a quick, helpful read and left me wanting to dig into Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life.
• 
  Katelyn

  Super short summary on raising children not by punishments and rewards but instead focusing on connection. This is a concept that I keep running into but haven't entirely grasped yet. I look forward to understanding it more as I keep reading about it.
• 
  Samuel Casanova

  Good reading but too short. Only 25 pages of good advise but I miss examples and more deepth into the topics explained. I'll try with "Respectful Parent, Respectful Child" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.
• 
  Sarah

  this slim volume is worth your time.
• 
  Dark Luna Rose

  Brilliant little book, very easy to read and thought provoking.I would recommend this to ALL parents, it actually should be given to everyone before they give birth!
• 
  Colleen

  Great read but could really just have been a chapter in his other book.
• 
  Kelly

  Very compatible with PD, enjoyed the anecdotes, light on details of exactly how to apply this method.
• 
  Jodie

  Neat idea for parenting. I will read the next book.
• 
  Jean-Paul Eberle

  A short succinct resource that may prove a useful guide in guiding parents to engage in more constructive responses for parenting.