My Bonnie: How Dementia Stole the Love of My Life by John Suchet

My Bonnie: How Dementia Stole the Love of My Life Reviews

• 
  Julia Ibbotson

  This is a moving and heart-rending account of John Suchet's second marriage, to Bonnie, and his new role as carer as she declines into dementia. I found it an interesting story (having nursed my husband's mother who came to live with us when she was diagnosed with dementia, and found the symptoms and effects so recognisable). However, although I felt great sympathy with John struggling with the loss of his beloved wife, I couldn't help feeling sorry for his first wife and three children whom he left for Bonnie (as she also left her husband and two children)and for whom he seems to have nothing but unkind words. I find it odd that he blames her for the divorce (although he was in love with another woman even whilst three sons were born to the marriage) and even for his estrangement from his parents, although he was a grown man, surely able to make his own decisions. I found the whole of this back-story so irritating that I wish he had omitted the first four (or so) chapters entirely. I guess he thought he was being "honest" but, I'm so sorry to have to say, it came across as self-centred and not very nice. Bonnie is also constantly referred to as a beautiful blonde American, but there is little about her interests (apart from those that coincide with John's) or activities (again, apart from those that coincide with John's) and only a bit about her work (temp-ing is mentioned and latterly a job as PA to an American billionaire who appears to have employed her because she, like him, went to Cornell).I really wanted to see Bonnie as an independent personality, but only see her as an acquiescent agreeable (and agreeing) wife. I'm sure that she was a lovely person but her individual character did not come through to me; it seemed more about John than Bonnie. I have long listened to John Suchet on Classic FM and enjoyed his work so this new knowledge is rather a pity. However, as an awareness-raising story of dementia and what it means to the carers, and as a story of deep (if seemingly obsessive)love, it was heartbreakingly poignant, and did, in fact, reduce me to tears.
• 
  Nicola

  A honest and heartbreaking account of a love lost to dementia. Very painful to read, touching on a subject so close to home but I now feel a little stronger approaching the future with a bit more knowledge and understanding of this cruel disease.
  
  The most noteworthy passage for me, that best sumamarises the true extent of dementia, is this:
  
  "Dementia. Dementia, what is it? It is a bloody cruel sadistic disease that smashes your life to pieces. It shatters your hopes, your plans, your dreams. It takes your life, twists it, mangles it, abandons you and expects you to give up and die. And that's just the carer. As for your loved one, the person you have cherished and on whom you would never inflict even an ounce of pain, it treats them with a malicious cruelty, robbing them first of memory, then progressively of other functions, until every vestige of dignity is gone. Once it has got them, it doesn't let them go. It leads them into a tunnel of darkness where they are alone. No entry for you. Dementia has claimed your loved one, and you are left outside, bewildered."
• 
  Jaime F.

  Dementia can be a traumatic, devastating illness that takes the lives and souls of people suffering from the diseases, but also leaving the empty outer shell in the form of the body to wonder aimlessly among loved ones with an empty foggy stare.
  
  In this book, a love story in real life like no other. John & Bonnie conquering their love for each other, even when they we're unavailable (both married with kids) to each other, they knew someday will be together. The future was bright and happy endless honeymoons in the horizon. Anniversaries with friends and families to be celebrated...
  
  ...and then after twenty or some years, still young at heart, the first signs.
• 
  Evelyn

  Very deep and moving, but left me a bit depressed after.
• 
  Christine

  This book has the title 'My Bonnie' but sadly Bonnie is barely visible; the book is all about John and, while I realise what a terrible position he was in, he does not appear in a good light. I have the same issues as several other reviewers regarding John's attitude to his first wife, his tendency to blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong in his life, cutting off his parents when there is no obvious reason for him to do so purely at his wife's behest.
  He appears to regard Bonnie as a trophy wife and she seems to be completely in his shadow. There is almost nothing in this book about Bonnie as a person, the only reasons Suchet gives for his love for her are her beauty and the fact that she seems always to be compliant with his wishes. Sadly, this means her descent into dementia has less impact because we know so little about what she was slowly losing; all we know is the effect on her husband.
  I also took issue with his attitude, shared with his current wife, that the onset of dementia is somehow less important in the very elderly, that the feelings experienced by the carer who is losing a parent or an older partner is somehow unimportant. He mentions several times that he and his wife had been together 20 years - why does he feel the experience of a someone who may have been with their partner twice that is unimportant? That the feelings of someone watching their parent vanish before their eyes don't matter? This is a very self-important man...
  The next book I am reading is by his third wife, who he met when her husband was in the same care home as Bonnie. She is not mentioned in this book but it is fairly clear from the dates that he started pursuing her fairly quickly. As they both point out, they share an awful experience. However, Nula Suchet bears quite a strong resemblance to Bonnie. Although I am only halfway through her book, I am finding it a different experience altogether - I will post a review when I finish.
  In short, if you want to find out more about John Suchet, this is a great book. If you want to find out about Bonnie Suchet, who she was and how she might have felt as she slowly disappeared, you won't find it here, sadly.
  
  Having now read Nula Suchet`s account of meeting John while her husband was in the same care home as Bonnie, I decided my first 2* review was a little harsh and upped it to 3*. Many of my feelings about this book still stand but he appears in a slightly better light seen through the eyes of his now wife.
• 
  Paul

  A painful book about the suffering endured by John Suchet in caring for his wife through her long descent into dementia. It is really helpful for understanding something of the prolonged, detailed heartbreak of those who care for a spouse suffering from dementia, and watch their loved one being slowly stolen. He also details the grief of losing Bonnie before he actually lost her.
  I have to be honest, I struggled with several references to the most private side of their relationship, as though I was intruding. It was unnecessary and not relevant to the story. Also, the language is very bad and also unnecessary, although I don't judge him for this - the poor man was suffering the slow, painful loss of his wife. I've not been in that position. His grief was great. And He was unfailing in his care for his Bonnie, until it was impossible to do so any longer.
  At one point he rages about suffering and questions how anyone can say there's a God, and yet I felt intense pity - here is the paradox of man, raging against the God he doesn't believe in. I wonder if his brother David, a Christian, told him about the tenderness of Jesus, the Good Shepherd, who invites "All you who are weary and heavy laden" and says "Come to Me, and I will give you rest." And He leads us beside quiet waters in the very midst of our sufferings. Such is the love of God to all, to the weary and broken. I pray that John will come to know Him.
• 
  Ian Swinden

  It would seem at a glance that it has taken me a long time to read this 300 odd page book. But it’s deliberate. I am walking the same path as John Suchet. My wife has Alzheimer’s and is now in residential care. John’s writing has been hugely affirming and encouraging as I recognise all the pain, emotion, self doubt and guilt that he describes.
  His honesty and self exposure is total.
  As John says - even though dementia has robbed you of the love of your life, in my case a wife of 45 years, don’t let it take you too. Hard as it is, life goes on and you have to live it.
• 
  Janet Bird

  Read when Mum had Alzhiemers and I was her carer. Sad.
• 
  Anne

  John Suchet writes with passion and honesty about how dementia has stolen the love of his life. John and Bonnie were both already married to other people when they met, but both of them knew that one day they would be together. Theirs is a modern love story, they were a couple who completely in love, who shared the same interests and the same sense of humour and were meant to be together.
  
  When Bonnie first started to show signs of dementia, John thought she was becoming absent minded. Early on it was funny, as time went by he started to get annoyed and when finally she was diagnosed, he was heartbroken. John Suchet should be applauded for his honest writing, he admits to being frustrated, sometime angry, losing his temper and wishing he could disappear. Bonnie, on the other hand, is unaware. Unaware that she is no longer 'his Bonnie', unaware of their past, or their future - she is a shell of the woman that had been so vibrant and funny, the woman that had planned their old-age together.
  
  More and more people are affected by dementia every year, this disease has no boundaries. Not class, nor wealth, nor even age - it can and does affect us all. At times this really is a heart-breaking read, it's a frightening read too.
• 
  Bev Walkling

  My sister gave me this book to read after she had finished reading it and I had watched it bring her to tears. It is the story of an imperfect man and the woman he loves - telling their story from the time they met up to the present. The focus of the story is ultimately the progression of her dementia and how it affected the writer's life and their life together. I have not lost a spouse to Alzheimer's, but I am a carer for mother who is living with this disease. Her story and progression has been different from what the author tells here but there are elements that ring very true and lessons to be learned from this man's story. The health care system described is the British one and speaks of "Admiral Nurses" trained in mental health who provide support to the caregiver. We don't have nurses quite like that here in Canada but it does point out the need for the caregiver to have extra support for their own health's sake. While this book might be difficult to read for those going through the experience with a spouse, it still has lessons to learn from.
• 
  Nadine Wiseman

  A moving and brutally honest book. John Suchet spares himself nothing; all the times he lost patience and was rough and bad-tempered with his beloved Bonnie, are described, and the searing guilt he experienced afterwards.
  Even without the gradual slide into dementia, the book would work well as an autobiographical love story. After John and Bonnie finally come together - after years of being neighbours, married to other spouses, and catching each other's eyes across crowded rooms - once they are finally alone together in his London bedsit, you can imagine the final line of this story being "...and they lived happily ever after." Except, sadly, they didn't.
  This is both a beautiful tribute to the love of John Suchet's life and a stark description of how this insidious disease robs a person, by stealth, of their entire personality and all the memories that have contributed to it. Watching a loved one decline like this, and knowing that you are powerless to help, as is the entire medical profession, must be utterly soul destroying.
• 
  Jane Thorn

  Found this a very heartwarming and emotional read! Was very close to the heart for me and gave me a better understanding of what a caregiver has to go through with caring for someone with Alzheimers.
  John Suchet gives you an incredible insight into his life and how it goes from being incredible, with the love of his life to having to go through the hardest of times as a caregiver.
• 
  Kim

  This was a very enlightening book into the life of a carer for someone with dementia. His obvious love for his wife shines through- he is devoted to her.
• 
  Jane

  A very well written book dealing with a very hard topic, heart brecking in places.
• 
  Janet Randon

  What a fantastic story, a real love story. I wonder would I have been so strong or dedicated as John.......!
• 
  Emily Randall

  I was very impressed with this book and found it extremely moving and insightful into the issues surrounding caring for someone with dementia.
• 
  Denise Heyes

  Absolutely brilliant. Well written and from the heart . Well worth a read
• 
  Sandra

  Heartbreakingly honest look at dementia.